


If I'm Lucky (You Can Stay for a While)

by EmptySighs



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M, XiuHan - Freeform, lumin - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-13
Updated: 2015-10-13
Packaged: 2018-04-26 05:37:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 24,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4992337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmptySighs/pseuds/EmptySighs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Amidst the catastrophe in Minseok's head, he meets Lu Han.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If I'm Lucky (You Can Stay for a While)

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written for the Seokmonsters

This must be normal, he thinks.

Minseok stands right on the spot where the halls meet his dwelling, lost in the thought of where could his car key might be. He is already running late, but he pivots back inside and tries really hard to remember where the goddamn key is. So, he rummages through and through his apartment, hair as disheveled as unkempt grass on summer afternoons, tie no longer hanging proudly around his neck.

 _It is common._ It’s completely normal to forget where a car key is right when one is about to exit his door and make his way to work. Everybody must have had these moments, occasional lapses in memory.

He finally concludes that this treasure hunting at an ungodly hour in the morning is just him walking around his apartment while wearing frustration and panic. He gives up and exits. Public transportation would always be there to serve.

Minseok likes the building he lives in, including the doors painted in a disgusting shade of mustard and distinguished by numbers tarnished with time.  

He hears a scrambling and turns to where it is from. The son of the couple living next to his apartment, a middle school student, is also scurrying out of the door with a piece of toasted bread gritted in between his teeth. Minseok witnesses a breathing mess before his eyes; he notes the uncombed hair, cleats with laces tied to a messy knot—hanging on one shoulder. 

“Jongin, you have the buttons of your shirt mixed up.”

The younger male looks at him like a deer caught in headlights. He takes the bread off his mouth and quickly bows his head.

“G-good morning, hyung.”

Minseok does not miss the tinge of pink filming Jongin’s face, but he makes no mention of it, just like what a good hyung like him would do.

“You’re taking the bus, right?”

Jongin looks up again and bobs his head, the slice of bread now back against his lips and wobbling while he struggles to fix his top with occupied hands right after.

“Okay, then we could walk there together.” Minseok starts to mobilize his feet and hears Jongin catching up behind him and asking him about the deal with his car. He hums in response and explains what happened earlier in his apartment.

Minseok talks throughout the five-minute walk to the stop, which is not a common occurrence to people that know him, but he has known the kid ever since he moved to the building. They have shared numerous conversations, mostly about their shared love for soccer. Thus, it may seem normal for Minseok to be all comfortable with all the talking he is doing.

So, there they are, standing under the shed in hopes of catching the 7:45 bus, which reminds him that he will be at least fifteen minutes late in comparison to his usual time-in. It’s unlikely for  him.

Minseok works for a bank, one of the premier ones actually pays more than what his lifestyle requires. Most of his salary goes to his savings and stays there unless needed. Despite the extra working hours he has to attend to when it’s the busy season, he loves his job. He finds comfort in numbers and in keeping track of them.

It’s not the most exciting job, but it’s not like Minseok is one for thrill either. He doesn’t go out with the people he works with; he would rather stay in his well-loved bed and catch up on the series that he is subscribed to or read.

Minseok constantly turning down invitations doesn’t faze Kim Jongdae, who is also known as the firm’s social butterfly. Said Jongdae approaches Minseok’s work station with persuasive skills, dropping lines like ‘Hyung, what are you doing tonight?’, ‘People from our department are heading out’, and ‘Hyung should definitely know how to live a little.’

Minseok likes Jongdae, minus all the badgering he has experienced throughout the years that he has been working in the firm. The man is easy to talk to. Well, he’s the only person that Minseok is comfortable conversing with in the office for that matter; he figures that he should at least have one office friend.

“This is a great opportunity for us to get to know each other more.” Jongdae has his signature kitten-ish smile on his face, the one that extends the corners of his mouth in an unusual manner, instead of a pouty one when he’s whining; Minseok once found it weird –particularly when they first met one Friday and Jongdae was doing his weekly rounds around the office —but eventually got very used to it.

“But we already know each other.” Minseok loosens his tie and takes his bag, all ready to leave and be home, but Jongdae has his hands clasped in front of him with a hopeful expression that he never got to work with Minseok. “Excuse me? You’re blocking my way.”

“That’s the point. You can’t take another step until you say 'yes'.” and Kim Jongdae spreads his arms in an attempt to fence Minseok in. This has happened one too many times. They both know how it will always end.

“Kim Jongdae! I’m still older than you,” Minseok warns as he takes a step towards the exit of his cubicle, but the persuasive man is nowhere near budging. “And I don’t have a car with me today. I can’t remember where I put my keys.” He nudges Jongdae’s body with his shoulder. “Try again some other time.”

“You always say that.”

“And you probably know what it means,” he says mischievously as he trudge his way past the hindrance to his Friday night _me_ time.

-

The sun is still up in the horizon, lying in serenity, waiting for the blankets of orange and pink to put him to sleep. Minseok tries to pass the time in the bus on the way home, rummaging through his bag when his fingers meet something that has been playing hide-and-seek with him since this morning.

-

The bowl of popcorn sits on his lap, half-empty. The link to the next episode of the series he’s watching stares at him mockingly, and so he clicks and his night drags on.

-

He wakes up to the sound of Saturday, wrapped up in navy blue blankets and temperate time. He has spent the night watching episodes of one of his favorite shows and he can’t really remember what time he had decided to finally close his eyes and drift to slumber –and that is what he exactly does again, just because it is a Saturday and he simply can.

Minseok gets his senses kicking up for the second time today. He keeps his eyes closed as the noises of the afternoon fill his ears. Not like he is very sure that it is already past 12 o’clock, but based on the jackhammer drilling a hole somewhere in his head, it’s probably past the I-have-to-wake-up-and-do-shit time.

It is nothing.

 _It is just probably the weekly quirk in my sleeping pattern_. Or he is too preoccupied with his imaginary grocery list.

He can't remember the name of the sun-kissed boy drenched in sweat and the jersey he has on that seems to have missed laundry day.

“Hi, hyung.” The greeting holds warmth and familiarity. Minseok smiles in return.

He shrugs it off. He probably had too much unhealthy sleep. It will soon wear itself away.

The sun still sits on its pedestal; its caresses leave Minseok’s face warm, while the wind blows freely. The pulsing pain in his head has subsided and Minseok thinks it is not so bad of an afternoon after all, so he makes his way to the mini grocery two blocks away from his building.

He has been living in the area long enough to make Ahreum, the old lady behind the counter and the owner of the grocery, call and treat him as a son. She would hand Minseok homemade side-dishes and reason out that she just made too much for her and her husband, even though she purposely makes extra portions for when Minseok would take a trip down her store every week.

“You look pale today. Have you been well?” Ahreum asks.

Minseok places the basket on the counter and takes the items out. He offers a small smile and nods.

“I just had too much sleep, I guess.”

“You’re losing your cheeks. Eat more, okay?” Ahreum pats his face with both of her aged covered hands. She then starts scanning the items and Minseok puts them in a plastic bag himself.

Once all the items are in the plastic sacks, Ahreum excuses herself to get something from the back of the store. Minseok knows that it’s her weekly _gifts_.

“You should definitely drop by more often,” she says before Minseok waves goodbye with his groceries and a Tupperware full of Ahreum’s _kimchi_.

-

The screen stares at him, numbers in an endless spiral of confusion and words in a language he neither knows how to read nor write. He closes his eyes and scratches the lids with the pads of his fingers. Flashes of red spread at the back of his eyes. The same jumbled numbers and alien language stare at him when he flutters his eyes open, though.

It’s probably nothing.

 _Maybe my eyes are a little over worked today_. Time-out is just a couple of hours away, anyway. He pushes his chair back and twirls on it in a meaningless way.

“Hyung.”

It’s Jongdae, and so Minseok keeps his eyes shut and continues twirling his chair. He hears his name being called but gives no attention to his caller.

“Minseok-hyung.” There are hands on his shoulders now, keeping him stationary.

“It’s only Monday, Dae.”

“I know,” Jongdae answers, pinching Minseok shoulders –earning him a light punch on the chest and a curse.

Minseok sees Jongdae in a blur. _It’s just exhaustion_.

“If you’re not here to lure me to a party then what do I owe you?” He turns his chair back to his desk.

“Nothing,” Jongdae says with the same kitten-ish smile that screams nowhere near ‘nothing’ at all.

“Spit it out.”

“So, I met someone last Friday,” Jongdae starts, taking a seat on a vacant space on Minseok’s desk.

“Get your nasty butt off my desk.” He flicks Jongdae’s leg once, twice, or maybe more than what is necessary. Jongdae doesn’t budge though. “Do you see any sign that permits you to sit on it?”

“Anyway, I met someone. Liyin. She’s still in college.”

“Okay.” Minseok humors his friend and listens to his musings about impeccable hair, nice smile, musical voice and an influx of positive adjectives.

“What?” He’s lost count on how many times he’s asked. He stares at Jongdae with a huge question mark written all over his face. The strings of words that leave the other’s lips are strange to his ears _. Is Jongdae still speaking in Korean?_ He is not sure. “Speak in Korean.”

Jongdae is the one with puzzlement printed on his face now. He has been speaking in Korean for the past five minutes, trying to explain to Minseok an account with due reports at the end of the month after blabbering a lot of stuff concerning none of the working environment. Minseok hears a slurred mixture of words with ‘have’, ‘been’ and there’s probably an ‘I’ there somewhere. Is there?

He holds up his index finger and makes Jongdae halt on whatever he is about to say.

“I can’t understand anything you’re saying.” He closes his eyes and cranes his neck from one side to another –trying to catch as much sound as he could. Everything remains garbled in his ears and it is starting to create a commotion in his head.

“What was it?” Minseok tries to hear despite the sudden throbbing pain in his skull.

“I said the account for SM Ent? They are asking to have the reports checked by the –hyung, are you okay?” Jongdae says with concern lacing his voice. “You have been off lately.”

“I’m okay,” Minseok lies. He has his thumbs digging through his temples and his fear stuck in his throat.

-

If there is one thing that you should not do when you’re feeling under the weather, it is definitely searching up your symptoms and reading shit in the internet, because most of the time it will give you exaggerated answers, let’s say every kind of cancer or... pregnancy –it’s not like Minseok has a uterus for that to be possible; but even so, Minseok feels terrified at what he is experiencing might possibly be.

“I haven’t been feeling well lately,” He starts after exchanging greetings with his brother miles away from him. He further explains the things that he has been feeling for weeks now. “Then my eyes—”

“Why haven’t you gone to the hospital?” Yixing cuts him off, but another voice calls from the background telling him to tone his voice down. “I’m sorry, love. I’m skyping with Minseok.”

Soon enough, Sooyoung with her glorious baby bump shows up beside her husband. Yixing quickly runs his hand on her stomach and whispers onto the bump –Minseok only catches the words about him being an uncle.

“Have– Do you know the sex already?” he asks. For a moment, Minseok’s anxiety is pushed aside by the excitement of having a niece or a nephew.

“Not yet, we’re going to have an ultrasound appointment this Saturday.” Sooyoung answers as she taps her husband’s head to keep Yixing from talking to their child. “What’s wrong, Minseok?”

“Oh. I’ve been feeling quite weird lately. That’s just it.” Minseok waves his hands to show her that it’s nothing to worry about, at least not for _her_ to worry about.

“My obstetrician is from that hospital near your place, anyway. Why don’t you come with us then let’s get you checked, too?” She clicks her tongue and pulls on Yixing’s ear to ease him off her stomach. “Yes, love?”

Yixing just nods at her and returns his head on her belly. “We’ll pick you up on Saturday, and please call me if you’re experiencing something that you think isn’t normal.” He lifts his head and looks at Minseok with all seriousness now, his dimple nowhere to be seen; which is a very rare event for Minseok to witness. “I told you, why don’t you move here?”

It’s not like Minseok has any animosity with living with his brother and his wife, it is just that he thinks living separately is the most appropriate thing to do since his brother has his own family now. He is old enough and capable of living on his own, too.

“We’ve talked about this.”

“Just because we’re not related biologically doesn’t mean that I’ll treat you any less.” Yixing then smiles, his dimple and sincerity showing. “Just know that you’re always welcome here, okay?”

“I know,” Minseok says.  “So I’ll see you on Saturday?”

After discussing the time and sharing a few more words, Minseok excuses himself to  take  a nap for his head is being heavy again.

-

Just after his call with Yixing, and before they are supposed to meet up, Minseok  feels like his head is being split into two. The world becomes  a merry-go-round that has no plans of stopping and only keeps getting faster.  He can see nothing but blurred images, noises heavy in his ears. Nothing makes sense.

Pain fills his entire being. He needs to get help.

_I need to—_

_-_

Minseok wakes up to the scent of antiseptics under his nose. It is not that strong, but it is enough to cause his sinuses to hurt and fill the cracks in his head. Faint lights dance before his eyes. These are the only things he remembers from before he lost consciousness.

There is a beeping sound in the room, hushed familiar voices —a screeching sound.

He prays for his eyes to adjust soon. There is something he does not know yet, though he has a feeling his eyes will never be the same as they were before.

There are fumbling figures in front of him and before long, there’s something hovering in front of his nose. He can finally see Yixing’s face now with the eyeglasses as an aid.

“Hi.” Yixing starts, “How are you feeling?”

‘I feel like shit’ would be an understatement. He feels so horrible that even the worst adjective that he knows would not even make up for it. His head does not even feel like it’s being split into halves, but rather crushed in a mush of grays with shards of bones.

-

Minseok is losing his mind. Not in a metaphorical sense, although he wishes that is the case.  He neither feels sad nor mad; he does not feel any emotions at all or more like he doesn’t know how to feel.

“When did it start?”

Minseok doesn’t know the answer to the question his doctor throws at him. He is asking about the symptoms. Is it the time he forgot where his keys were? That one time he had a hard time matching names to faces he encounters on diurnal occasions? Or when he suddenly found it necessary to make use of visual aids such as pictures to identify the proper words for ordinary objects? He is not sure.

“About three weeks ago?” That’s when he experienced one of the worst headaches he has ever had. “I don’t know.”

The doctor, who introduced himself as Junmyeon, proceeds to the next slide with the results of Minseok’s scans. A red pointer lands on the rightmost part of the screen. “As I have explained earlier, the speed of its growth and its size—” A string of medical jargon plays a cacophony inside Minseok’s brain, but he is able understand that:

1\. He has brain cancer.

2\. The location of the tumor makes it hard to be operated on, rendering it practically inoperable.

3\. The prognosis says that he will require considerable assistance and frequent medical care.

4\. He has to hold on to chemotherapy to slow the growth down.

5\. His life expectancy. Well, he doesn’t know how he’ll deal with this yet.

“Uhmm…” He looks at Yixing who is seated beside his bed, attentively listening to everything that Minseok cannot quite fit inside his head. With every word trying to find a place in the holes of his entire being, he could feel a storm ahead —vortex of tormenting winds advancing through and through his neurons. “I’m— Could I—”

“I know it’s too much to take in right now.” Junmyeon clicks his pointer off and offers Minseok a small smile, something that he has been used to doing —but it’s nowhere near a routine despite how many times he had broken news such as this to his patients. “I’ll let you take a rest again. I’ll relay everything to your brother. But we need to talk through this again—”

Every set of eyes in the room turn at the sudden slide of the door. Furry twitching ears on a sea of gold, a humming cherub dressed in pink nursing scrubs walks into the room. Is this one of the perks of being steps closer to death? Procuring the ability of seeing beings that do not belong in this cringe-worthy planet. Or maybe he is seeing things due to his horrible headache.

Junmyeon introduces the newcomer, Lu-something, Minseok can’t remember the right syllable. The man looks at Minseok and bows ninety degrees, his tail swinging from left to right. “He’ll be _with_ you.”

“Dr. Kim and I discussed things while you were still sleeping—” Yixing starts but Minseok expresses how he does not really want to deal with this right now and would rather go back to sleep. “Yes. Okay. I understand.”

“We could just talk about this later.” This Lu-something is cute, yes, but Minseok cannot really care about who he is and his purpose of being in the room, with an earthquake going on in his head. So, he lies back on the bed.

“Let’s see. I don’t know.”

Lu-something is immediately standing beside his bed, one hand in his pocket and the other one clutching on the pillow, positioning the cushion. His smile is the last thing Minseok sees before closing his eyes.

-

After running through a couple more tests and having the results broken down to Minseok during different occasions when his mind could comprehend, he finally gets to go home.

The ride is composed of sighs that are more than just huffs of air and The Smiths playing. It feels like the most quiet situation that Yixing and Minseok have ever gotten themselves into, far different from all the years they spent together in the foster home when they were much younger.

Minseok can see the changes taking place by the way Yixing unlatches his seat-belt and getting out of his seat, by the way his brother waits for him to get out of the car so they could walk inside his building and up to his apartment.

He knows Yixing should not be here for there is a woman with their unborn child who needs a husband and a father one and a half hour away from his apartment.

“You don’t have to worry. I will take my medicines,” he starts. He can do this. “Sooyoung and your child need you home, I’m sure.”

“I’ll be going home tonight,” Yixing says to him with the same dimpled smile, but deprived of the twinkle that is supposed to be there. “I already grouped your medicines.” A medicine compartment box in polychrome with colorful medicines inside it comes into view.

He is handed a cocktail of medicines that does not really look appealing in any case. The purpose of each tablet and capsule is printed on the paper taped at the bottom of the box.

“You should take these and that would be the last batch for tonight.”

When Yixing is finally assured that Minseok would be okay for the rest of the day, they say their goodbyes.

-

Minseok turns the first knob to 180°, then sets the second knob to three minutes. He pours himself a glass of cold water while waiting for his popcorn.

The kernels sing a song and the smell of butter performs an enticing piece that Minseok is used to listen every Friday _me_ time —although, it is just Tuesday, but he does not really care.

-

“What are you doing here with—” _What is his name again? Lu-something._ “With…”

“Lu Han,” Yixing provides. “He is Lu Han.”

The hybrid, Lu Han, bows his head to Minseok, just like how he did back at  the hospital, and keeps his eyes downwards. He instantly covers his ears topping his blond locks to stop them from twitching.

Minseok might have found it cute on usual days, but today is totally not one of them. He repeats his question directed to his brother and does not make a move to invite his visitors in.

“Minseok, let's discuss this inside, okay?” Yixing says.

Half a minute passes before Minseok opens the door fully, immediately pivoting back inside and not bothering to wait for anyone. Shortly, the three of them circle the coffee table.

“You know how I can’t always keep an eye on you,” Yixing explains. “I need to be with Sooyoung and Dr. Kim said that Lu Han would be beneficial for you…”

“So, you’re saying that I need help?” It is one of those days again, when he feels exceptionally off and every single thing gets on his nerves. He knows this is not the normal I-feel-like-shit-I-just-want-to-crawl-and-die day, but rather a consequence of this _thing_ he is dealing with. He does not want to use the term for his disease, he wants to keep it at the _thing_ level and keeps it separate from himself.

“So, you’re saying that I need help and that you would not be able to provide it, you feel bad so you decided that some random hybrid can?” Minseok scoffs. “I can take care of myself.”

“But you need someone when you’re scheduled for your chemo in the center.” Yixing stays true to his nature —calm. Junmyeon oriented him that this is to be expected, the denial. “You’re aware of the side-effects.”

“If you can’t be here every day, then that’s fine.” Minseok starts to get up from his seat and doesn’t even spare Lu Han a glance. He heads to the kitchen. “As I’ve said, I can take care of myself.”

Minseok does not really know why he is in the kitchen. His legs could have brought him to his bed instead. _Really, legs? Kitchen? Really?_ Even so, he does not really know why finding himself in the kitchen is a bad idea. He opens the fridge aimlessly and scans whatever he can see. Stalks of celery catch his attention, he can’t even remember having bought the vegetable.

“Minseok.” He does not heed to the call and continues occupying himself with the celery stalks, picking them one by one off the crisper. Minseok rolls his eyes to the repetition of his name and turns around, cradling his celery babies.

“What?”

“At least, do this for me,” Yixing pleads. He is now holding Minseok by both arms —celery stalks as spectators. “Do this for me if you consider me as a brother. Give me the relief that someone would surely be with you if something happens.”

Minseok hums in response and makes his way past his brother, back to the living room. He sees Lu Han standing before the glass case with his Marvel action figure collection, his tail swinging like a lousy pendulum.

“Lu Han.”

The name rolls on his tongue with unfamiliarity. It feels heavy. The hybrid turns to Minseok with a glowing expression, as if caught doing something that he should not be doing.

“Oh— I’m— I was just loo— I’m sorry.” Lu Han takes the seat he was in earlier and scratches one of his ears to avoid another eye contact with Minseok.

“I’ll show you where your room is going to be.” He waits for the hybrid to move even an inch away from the seat but Lu Han just keeps on scratching his ear. “Are you going to sit there all day?”

Lu Han looks at him with his ears perched up along with his eyebrows, mouth agape.

“Of course, I’m talking to you.” Minseok rolls his eyes for what he feels like the millionth time today; although if he pays attention, he could still count it with the fingers of one hand. “Follow me.”

He turns on his heels. There is a scrambling behind him, confirming that Lu Han is following, the third door down the hall being their stop. It’s the guest room, which seldom gets used. He jabs the knob and shakes it a little. “Why don’t you fucki—” He kicks the door in annoyance and curses its existence.

A hand lands on his own and Minseok flinches at the contact.

“I’ll try.”

And swiftly, the door opens under Lu Han’s hand as if it had been waiting for Lu Han all along —it just pisses off Minseok more.

With a beat-up looking celery stalk, Minseok points at the cabinet at the farthest right of the room. “You can use that for your clothes or whatever.” The poor vegetable dangles at the end of his hand and it makes him uncomfortable, so he gets another stalk from the cradle and shakes them towards another door inside the room. “That’s a comfort room, but the toilet has been shit ever since. Use the one at the other end of the hall.”

Lu Han mumbles a thank you but remains rooted to his place.

“Do whatever you want. My room is off limits.” Minseok walks down the hall and yells a goodbye to his brother nowhere in sight, dropping the battered celery stalks in a bin along the way to his balcony.

Minseok watches the sea of white and orange blanketing the city that never seems to sleep. He expects more moments like this, unhindered, depressing. A lot of time means a lot of thinking; a lot of thinking means a lot of that _thing_ ; and a lot of that thing is the least of what Minseok needs.

He hears the door behind him slide open but he does not need to turn to know who might it be.

“Uhm… Yixing left about an hour ago and it is time for you to take these.” A bowl containing his medicines inches towards him. “I also made you a smoothie, it might taste horrible since it’s pure vegetables and—”

“I can do these things on my own.” Minseok notices that there is something missing. A necessity. “How am I going to get all these down with a smoothie? Really?” he takes the bowl with him back inside his room. When he emerges, a glass of water sitting on the kitchen counter greets him, but he leaves it be and fills another glass on his own.

The days pass by like that. Lu Han doing his job, keeping an eye on Minseok, making sure the medicines are taken on time. Minseok being stubborn and pressing on he could do things on his own. Food prepared by Lu Han going to waste and Minseok leaving his kitchen in a havoc. Doors being closed right in Lu Han’s face and a series of ‘I don’t need your help’ or ‘I can do things on my own’ with occasional curses bouncing off the gray walls of the apartment.

“Look!” Minseok taps his finger on the mocha brown skin of his sofa. “You got your fur all over the sofa!” He flicks the clump of shedding to Lu Han’s direction.

Minseok catches a pair of glassy eyes followed by folded ears and fumbling hands.

“I’ll just vacuum the sofa later. I’m really sorry, Minseok…” and there’s a choked sob. “I’m sorry… Let me get the vacuum.” Lu Han starts pacing through the hall and straight to the end, opposite the guest room.

Minseok feels termites eating his insides this time. _But it’s his fault! He got his hair all over the place._ Minseok lets out a grunt and marches where the vacuum is to relieve himself of guilt. _This can serve as an apology or whatever._

As soon as the sound of the machine buzzes through the walls, a scurrying sound and cumbersome footsteps harmonize it.

“I’m sorry, I’ll do it.” then Lu Han is prying the vacuum off Minseok’s hands. “Hand it to me.”

But Minseok would not let go of the appliance and keeps it in his possession, continuing vacuuming the sofa in uneven pattern. Playing tug of war is not really Minseok’s thing and with lack of patience these days, Lu Han is pretty much digging through his skin again.

“Fine!” Minseok sends the vacuum straight to the couch. “Then do it!”

-

“ _Hyung! Finally,”_ Jongdae says from the other line. “ _I’ve been calling you since the first time you missed work, and it’s not very you to miss a day.” T_ he amount of missed calls in Minseok’s call log could be attributed to Minseok missing work. “ _Then they are saying that you’ve sent in a resignation, but nobody really knows what’s going on. What’s up?”_

“So, It’s Friday. Let’s go out.” He hears an exaggerated gasp and a chuckle.

“ _What happened to Kim Minseok?”_ Minseok could imagine the smile Jongdae has on his face right now, or the light punch he probably would have received had they been having this conversation in what used to be Minseok’s cubicle. “ _Your stuff is still in your cubicle, by the way.”_ There are rattling sounds and disgruntled noises. “What do you have in here, hyung?” Minseok realizes that he needs to get his spare underwear from his former office soon.

“So, as I was saying. Let’s go to that place you’ve been persuading me to go to.”

“ _Wouldn’t miss this opportunity. Yeah.”_ Minseok spares a look at the clock hanging on his wall and confirms that it’s just ten minutes after six and tells Jongdae to text him the details and meet him an hour and a quarter from now. “Okay. See you.”

“Let me go with you,” Lu Han says as he stands in between Minseok and the door, all dressed and ready to go out. “What if something happens or what?” He is saying all of these while keeping his eyes on the ground, his ears hidden in a bonnet; although, Minseok could see the twitching of the article of clothing.

Minseok keeps his lips in a thin line, weighing things. “Would I ever hear the end of this if I say ‘no’?” He still feels guilty for what he had done earlier today and so he tries his hardest to not come off as rude; even though, he believes that Lu Han already sees him as nothing but rude.

Lu Han answers with his actions, swinging his head left and right. “I have to make sure you would be okay.”

With a roll of his eyes, Minseok shoves Lu Han off the door and says something that he’s sure he will regret later on.. “Then stop blocking the door. Let’s get going.”

This is going to be one of the worst decisions he has ever made.

-

Lu Han stays true to his word that he wouldn’t nag Minseok as long as Lu Han drives and that he stays with Minseok when they get to the place they are supposed to meet Jongdae. Lu Han is also not supposed to mention the _thing_.

“Okay. Got it.” They take one last turn at the twenty-fourth stop light, the glowing sign of _Exodia_ coming into view.

It’s nothing close to what Minseok had imagined. Instead of an array of lights dancing like the cosmos, there are only bulbs like stars hanging close to the ground in magnificence. It’s a small venue, Minseok notices. The bar lines the right side, stairs leading to more chairs and tables. The night is still young, which explains the amount of people going about their own businesses. The soft playing of an instrumental piece is a perfect bossa nova.

He receives a message from Jongdae saying that if he arrives earlier, then he should proceed to a table in the middle, right in front of the platform and order anything that he wants. ‘ _It will be on me.’_ the message ends.

Lu Han stays beside him, tailing him prior without uttering a single word. Minseok finds it a little off, since Lu Han always has something to say —even a word or two— on hushed tones.

“What do you want to drink?”

The hybrid is taken aback by his inquiry. “Nothing alcoholic. Thank you.” And then Lu Han roams his eyes anywhere but Minseok’s way. He’s also fumbling with his hands, wiping his palms on his jean-clad thighs.

Minseok orders iced teas for the both of them.

“Make that four.”

Jongdae then appears with someone that Minseok has only heard of through his conversations with Jongdae. It surprises Minseok how Jongdae pulls out a chair for the lady he is with. She says thank you and sits across Minseok.

“This is Liyin.” Jongdae introduces.

“I’ve heard so much about you.” Minseok returns the smile and extends his hand. He shoots Jongdae a knowing look, trying to keep his amusement to himself.

“I hope all of them are nice things,” Liyin says. Jongdae has been right all along, She has one of the most beautiful speaking voices Minseok has ever heard.

“Oh. I tell you, I think Jongdae here is making good use of his vocabulary.” That quickly earns him a kick on the shin from underneath the table and a whiny ‘hyung’ coming from the subject.

“I’m sorry. And you are?” Liyin turns to Lu Han.

“Lu Han. I’m Lu Han,” He answers, craning his neck to Minseok’s way directly with hesitation, hoping that he is doing something right.

Minseok and Jongdae snap their heads to the side when Liyin asks something in a language that is not Korean and Lu Han answers back. Liyin and Lu Han share a short fit of chuckles and the other two can’t help but be clueless about what the other two have just said.

“We were just talking about how we both speak Mandarin and how bad we are at it,” Liyin explains.

“Hyung, what made you change your mind today?” Jongdae finally asks after small talk about this and that, more embarrassments concerning Jongdae. “Are you okay? Are you sick? What? The men up there haven’t told us anything about your resignation.”

Minseok waves his hand and takes a chug of his iced tea, washing the nervousness and pretense down. “I have a family matter to take care of.” Luckily, the ever persistent Jongdae backs down and starts throwing questions at Lu Han.

“So, are you guys...? What?” It’s Jongdae’s turn to wear his knowing smile. “Minseok hyung never mentioned you. Not like—”

“No. He’s a friend,” Minseok butts in. It’s not that he doesn’t trust Lu Han about what they’ve agreed on earlier, but as long as he could answer things on his own then better. “He’s just visiting and told me he has no other plans, so might as well take him with me tonight, right?”

Lu Han smiles and bobs his head more.

“So, how about you and Liyin?” Minseok throws in.

Jongdae lightly kicks Minseok again from under the table and carries them through the night, asking about things that Minseok and Lu Han find comfortable answering. The questions are nothing very personal yet these still open up pages on each of their books, painting letters onto fresh papers. Jongdae can’t help but be stunned at some point whenever Liyin asks him something, or when she laughs and pats his shoulder playfully.

Minseok learns quite a number of things about Lu Han; although he has been pretending that he’d already known these about him unlike Jongdae and Liyin. Things like —Lu Han is of Chinese descent but grew up in Korea, he studied architecture in college but stopped when he found out what his true calling is, which led him to his current profession that he has grown to love.

There's a newly acquired knowledge about Jongdae, too. His friend and former co-worker is also a singer at that very same bar every Friday night.

"It's more of a breather after the week," Jongdae says before taking Liyin's hand as they take on the stage.

Walls have been brought down, not that they are aware of it —but even if they are, they would not make no mention of the fact. They still do not share a conversation inside the car, but the air is not as stale as it had been. That night, Minseok answers a weak ‘good night’ when Lu Han wishes him one before they get inside their respective comfort zones.

-

Lu Han is in the midst of preparing dinner when he hears a series of grunts, curses, and a crash of god knows what reverberating through the walls of the apartment. He waits for nothing —dashing through the halls, and right at Minseok’s bedroom door.

The sight that greets him tears him limb from limb. Hopelessness and desperation clad up on the floor with nothing but soiled linens. He quickly drops on the ground and takes hold of Minseok.

“Tell me. What can I do?” He keeps his arms strong, although his voice is betraying how nervous he really feels. “Minseok, talk to me.”

Minseok squirms off the hold. “There’s nothing you can do. There is nothing you can do! There is—” His body surges forward, taking Lu Han by surprise. Minseok tries his hardest to support himself with his feet but he feels like every cell in his body is tired of what is happening.

Lu Han quickly reaches for the trash bin beside the bed and pushes it to Minseok.

“Don’t stand up. I’ll be back, okay?” He does not even wait for an answer and storms his way to the bathroom, fills a basin with lukewarm water and rummages through the cabinet for a fresh face towel.

He comes back to Minseok lying on the floor, motionless, staring at nothing on the ceiling. “Cold. It’s cold.” He can hear the mumbles and it pulls another string, enough to make a tear roll on Lu Han’s cheek.

Lu Han says nothing, for he knows if he does, his emotions will surely get a hold of him and slam to him with tsunami waves. He cleans Minseok before dressing him in warmer clothes, covers him in sheets of linen, and tucks him under the duvet. Minseok is shaking, and so is Lu Han —but the latter keeps his body sturdy and be a wall that the former could rely on here and now.

-

A continuous buzzing sound pulls Minseok from the gyre of dreams and unconsciousness. There’s a bunch of hair leaning on his side —purring.

“Minseok.” A hand presses on his forehead. Unforgiving headaches are Minseok’s companions now, so the throbbing in his head is not really surprising. He must have missed taking his pill last night. The pulsing in his head is worse than its normal whinings. “You’re not running a fever anymore.”

It feels like the Sahara lodged in his throat for the entire night. He’s drowning from the dryness of it.

He remembers bathroom sprints, the cold that burns his skin down to his bones, the explosions in his head, his mess painted on the floor, Lu Han. He remembers Lu Han rushing through his room, linens, warmth, patience, hushes, constant _I'm here's_ and _it will be okay's_.

"Take some water and these." Lu Han helps him get seated with his back on the headboard. “How are you feeling? Does your head hurt? Are you hungry?”

Lu Han recounts what happened last night, but Minseok is still in a daze and is confused, having no idea how to respond to everything Lu Han is saying. Lu Han is smiling at him —there are fingers threading through his hair— and soon Lu Han’s back is turned to him as his caregiver walks out the door.

Minseok waits for Lu Han to reappear, holding the infamous medicine compartment, a bottle of water and one of his daily concoctions.

"Thank you." The syllables roll off his tongue with awkwardness, but he means it nonetheless. Those two words have been long due and he knows that the person before him deserves more than what Minseok could offer right now — and so he repeats his gratitude.

Lu Han turns away like a blossoming rose, tinted in a beautiful color that fits him well. "Y-you're welcome." He tries to fix the duvet and the linens while avoiding Minseok's gaze. "You're welcome."

"I'm sorry." This might not be the right time but Minseok can’t stop the flow of words that has been longing for liberty from his lips and conscience. He tugs on Lu Han's wrist to gain attention. "I know I have been shitty and I'm really sorry... I—"

"It's nothing," Lu Han says, prying off the fingers lightly and keeping it in his hold. He keeps his eyes on their hands and continues. "I mean it's not nothing but I haven't taken anything to heart. You were still shitty, though I completely understand. Really."

“If there’s something I could do to at least make up for it, just tell me.” Minseok says giving a tiny squeeze to Lu Han’s hand and drawing his own when he realizes how intimate their fingers look.

Lu Han feels the sudden realization, too. He starts getting up the edge of the bed, making sure that there’s normal proximity between them. “Okay, I will. Just take your medicines first.”

Minseok’s headaches have been tolerable as long as he takes his medicines religiously. The faces he encounters match the names in his head... well, sometimes. He does not see much people lately anyway. It makes things less bad.

His steps play a silent pitter-patter of feathers on his warm floorboard on the way to his closet. A banderitas of cardigans greets him when he throws its door open, the rest of his clothes are either black or gray —he used to think they looked good on him and they were just easy to mix and match.

He does not mind changing out of his pajamas and picks out his favorite amongst the sea of apparel —a cardigan in his favorite shade of blue, navy— before brushing his teeth and washing his face. He has not seen his face up this close lately. He let his fingers map out his skin, he can’t really pinpoint the changes —have his cheeks always been this flat? His hair is the longest it has ever been. He runs his fingers through it, and thinks he probably needs a haircut —there are strands, no, chunks of hair in his hand— or maybe not, but he needs to wear a cap before going out.

He sees Lu Han spread out on the couch when he keeps the rhythm of his feet out of his room. He doesn’t really mind the hybrid’s preference for the sofa, and so he continues his way out of the door.

He still finds the mustard color of his door repulsive, but he is used to it. He seldom hears the morning sounds cluttering throughout the halls that had been a companion when he was still working. Now, the sounds are more like a relative visiting once in a while, popping in just when he is woken up by the pulsing in his head or deciding to appear at random hours while he sleeps.

Jongin is not scrambling out of their own door today. He does not have a piece of toasted bread hanging for its dear life between his set of teeth nor does he have a mismatched button on a random hole.

The sun-kissed boy immediately catches Minseok and greets him. “I haven’t seen you in a while, hyung. How have you been?”

“I feel great.” Minseok answers as if it was totally true, although his mind tells him how great of a liar he is becoming. “I have some stuff going on but I’m totally fine.” He asks if he could join the younger’s trek down to the lobby and out the building, in which Jongin finds no reason to say no.

They do what they always do when they catch each other in the hall on mornings, it feels great being able to keep some things unchanged. He wishes Jongin to do great in school for the day and watches the 7:25 bus to depart.

So, there he is, sitting under the shade that he now seldom encounters. The whirling of the vehicles and their whiffs come and go through his senses; the train of people waiting for the next bus to arrive and the bustles and hustles are all in motion before his eyes. Minseok stays rooted to the cold metal as time continues on its business, unrelenting and apathetic. It would not even stop to celebrate or lament with anyone, it would stay with you but would never wait. Plants will grow and people would move continuously on curvatures and planes, and Minseok could be where he currently is —seated, still.

-

He has never gone this early to Ahreum’s shop, but he is fairly sure that it is already welcoming shoppers.

The old woman is already behind _her_ counter, wearing one of those pink shirts that the shop used to give away every time they celebrate its anniversary. Minseok have gotten four of those, they are still in his closet, sleeping soundly.

“You’ve forgotten to change clothes.” She has the same smile that she always wears whenever he drops by, but quickly drops the curves of her lips when she notices the change in Minseok’s face. “Are you okay?”

He nods, taking a seat on a wooden bench that has been beside the entrance since the first time Minseok walked into the grocery. Ahreum asks him of his unlikely visit. “I just want to drop by and have kimchi. Would you still give me some even if I won’t be buying anything?”

Ahreum lets out a hearty laugh. “Of course.” She walks to one of her refrigerators, takes out containers of side dishes, and puts them inside a plastic one by one. “You did not drop by last week. I’ve got lots of these saved.”

“I was busy with something. I’m sorry.” Ahreum waves her hand as she gives him the plastic bag.

“You don’t have to give me too much.”

The shopkeeper points out that he looks like he has been losing weight and that he should eat more.

Minseok helps Ahreum, putting the groceries in a plastic bag and greeting the customers that walk in and out of the shop. For a while, he forgets that there is somebody waiting for him at home.

-

The sight of a frantic Lu Han talking with someone on his phone along the hall welcomes him once the elevator doors open.

“Minseok.” The hybrid is dashing towards him, it’s only when they are a few steps away from each other that Minseok notices the other’s glistening eyes. “Where have you been? I was so worried. I called Yixing because I didn’t know what to do—”

Lu Han is sobbing now, his hands curled over his eyes. His body shaking with every breath he is trying to catch. “I-I have been looking for you. “Where were you?”

“Lu Han,” Minseok calls out but Lu Han continues sobbing and saying how worried he was. “Lu Han.” He reaches out to pat the hybrid’s hair; although his hand ends up at the back of a furry ear. “Hey, everything is okay. I’m okay.” Running his fingers against Lu Han’s locks, he keeps on saying that there’s nothing to worry about— and the sobbing turns to sniffing.

Minseok has not realized that the elevator dings open again and that they have been blocking the way, until he feels a hand on his shoulder. “You should not block the way.”

It’s the grumpy old man living at the end of the hall, Mr. Park. He still towers over Minseok even though his back is slightly hunched with osteoporosis. Minseok pulls Lu Han to side and quickly apologizes.

“Kids these days.” Mr. Park eyes the both of them before making a clicking sound with his tongue.

-

Lu Han has stopped crying, although his eyes and cheeks are still red. He fills a bowl with rice and puts everything on the table for Minseok. “You should start eating. You were supposed to take your medicines ten minutes ago.”

Minseok just shrugs and picks up his chopsticks. He can see Lu Han from the corner of his eyes, standing before the blender, making one of those concoctions from hell. The smoothies never taste nice, but he must have grown accustomed to them having had glass after glass that he does not really mind at all.

“If you need to buy groceries or anything just tell me ahead of time so I could do it for you.” Lu Han slides the glass that contains a green slimy drink. “Or you could at least leave me a note? I was really worried—” There is nothing but concern in Lu Han’s tone, he is not even mad. Worry has taken a toll on his emotions, he can’t feel anything else.

“You could have called me,” Minseok says,  after which Lu Han does not answer. “Why are you even sleeping on the couch? Your fur will be all over it again.”

“The walls might be too thick. I might not hear you down at the other end of the hall. I can’t sleep at night—” Lu Han suddenly feels that he has said too much and so takes out his cell phone from his pocket and places it on the table next to the silverware, turning to another subject. “We... actually... have not exchanged numbers… since we’re always in the same place or just—” he takes the phone again and slips it back in his pocket. “Just eat first.”

“Have we agreed on your day-off?” Minseok can’t really remember if they have discussed Lu Han’s rest day; the hybrid does not mention anything about it at all either. “You don’t have to be here 24/7. You could go out if you want. Go meet someone or whatever. Do what you want to do.”

“I don’t really have friends to hang out with anyway. And it would be better to keep an eye on you personally.” Lu Han refills the half empty glass of water to keep his hands busy. He keeps his eyes low for he can feel Minseok staring at him.

“No. Really. You should.” Minseok pushes, before taking one big munch of his food.

“Would you mind going out with me?” Lu Han asks, making Minseok’s head snap to his direction, eyes wide. “Not— Not like that! Not like a date. Just so I could still keep an eye on you, since you’re already pushing me to go out anyway.” He starts scratching his ears again, his face glows into a brighter shade of pink.

Minseok is about to say ‘no’ but Lu Han has this hopeful expression on his face. Minseok remembers making a promise about anything that could make up for his rudeness prior —it’s more likely the second reason, he convinces himself.

                                                                        -

“What’s the point of us coming here if we’re not even going to ride the exciting ones?” Minseok asks. They are in line for the entrance tickets in the theme park an hour and a half away from the apartment.

“We could always ride those that stay on the ground and will keep us alive.” Lu Han says. They both pull out bills, intending to pay for each other’s tickets. “I’ll get this one.” He immediately hands the money to the lady inside the booth before Minseok could even say another word. "Or we could find something to eat first."

They walk around the vicinity to take a look at prospect snack carts or any rides. Minseok is not familiar with places like this, since he practically grew up in a foster home and never really got the chance to visit such places when he was younger. "Why?"

With his eyebrows shooting up, Lu Han turns to Minseok. "What?"

"I meant, why here?" Minseok finds it quite pointless, really. Going to a theme park and not trying any rides that suit their age is pointless.

"I read this article about churros ice cream sandwiches." Lu Han's answer doesn't really make sense either. Minseok tries his hardest not to roll his eyes and instead asks what is it with churros. "There's a cart that sells it here. We just have to look for it."

They have been walking for about ten minutes now and the churros cart is still nowhere in sight. Minseok can already feel a strain on his left leg,  which isn’t all too bad, but he would appreciate them stopping to sit for a bit.

"Are you okay?" Lu Han has his hand on Minseok’s arm in an instant. “Are you tired?”

"Could we take a break?" Minseok says, pointing to  one of the empty benches.

Lu Han fishes out his phone and looks for the article to check where the churros cart is exactly once Minseok sits down. "It's behind the Ferris Wheel." They both look up to see the ride not too far away from where they currently are.

Minseok gets up from his seat and tells Lu Han that they could start walking again. After a few minutes, they finally reach the churros cart.  It is small, painted in bubblegum pink and blue with the words ice cream churros printed in a fancy calligraphy.

“I’ve never had one of these before. I’ve eaten ice cream and churros separately but this is something new.” Lu Han says after taking his first bite off his own sandwich.

Minseok does not really find the food that special —well, it’s just churros and ice cream together— but there are stars in Lu Han’s eyes as he talks about the ice cream sandwich in his hand and so Minseok keeps his mouth shut and tries to finish the one he has.

“There’s actually a train that could tour us around,” Lu Han says as he picks up his phone off the bench. “I’ll look up the stop.”

“We actually passed by one.” Minseok points his thumb backwards and starts to get up.

The ride goes around the entire theme park, showing them all the rides and attractions that Lu Han does not really feel like riding or going to. “Riding the children’s rides would be embarrassing!” he whines when Minseok pushes on riding the tea cups or the carousel.

“Oh we could use the belts to secure you,” Minseok says nonchalantly, although completely teasing underneath. “Actually… I’ve been wanting to ride a Ferris wheel since forever.” That is completely true, since he has never ridden one. A dream that started when he was still in the foster home.

“There used to be this mini carnival every Christmas season in the place where I came from. I’ve always wanted to ride the Ferris wheel.” This Ferris wheel in front of them is far bigger than the one he used to look at through his windows when he was young.

Lu Han falls silent after that, as if waiting for the ‘I’m kidding’ line that will never arrive. “You’re not kidding about riding that, are you?” He points at the ride that has started lighting up since the sun is already setting in the horizon. “The booths look safe…” Lu Han chews on his lower lip and scratched the back of one of his ears. “Okay.”

Minseok notices the nervousness in the way Lu Han wipes his hands on his jeans again. The same guilt that once rushed through him when he yelled at the hybrid about the fur shedding in the couch. But Lu Han clutches on Minseok’s wrist with cold fingers. “It’s okay. We don’t have to ride on it now.”

“But we’re here anyway.” Lu Han’s voice is quivering. “I’ll just stay still and try not to shake the booth.”

Once they are in the ride, Minseok feasts on the sight before him, the whole scope of the city glitters like the stars came down from the heavens. He tries not to stand up, just to keep the booth as stationary as possible.

Unlike Minseok, Lu Han does not even take a peek out of the glass windows, he keeps his eyes downwards and his hands clasped together. His heart is pounding inside his chest and ears, making him temporarily deaf.

Minseok finds the twitching of Lu Han’s furry ears adorable, and he is not able to stop himself from reaching out to them the same way he did when the hybrid was crying. Lu Han finally looks at him with weary eyes, the guilt in Minseok’s stomach starts making more knots. “We’re almost on the ground again. I’m sorry.”

Lu Han’s legs are wobbly when they finally get  off the booth and Minseok instinctively reaches out his hand to Lu Han’s; instead of what usually happens where Lu Han is always the one for support. “I’m sorry.”

“It was my idea to come here anyway.” Lu Han says waving his free hand.

Their hands are still entwined as they walk away from the ride, Minseok doesn't put much thought to it and because he doesn’t sense any reluctance from the hybrid, he figures that the gesture  is totally fine.

The night ends with blueberry milkshakes, and the first ‘good night’ that Minseok has initiated.

“I really enjoyed today even though I was lame,” Lu Han says sheepishly, his ears twitching again. “I’m sorry for dragging you there and not—”

“It’s okay. I enjoyed it too, and I finally got something off my bucket list.” Minseok chuckles a little and he is not sure if his cheeks are really turning warm. “Good night again, Lu Han.”

-

The days pass by with striking changes after their _date_.

Lu Han still does his job, keeping an eye on Minseok, making sure the medicines are taken on time. Minseok becomes compliant and actually starts appreciating help. Food prepared by Lu Han stops going to waste. Minseok’s kitchen has been in peace.

Doors that were once closed for Lu Han are now being opened, and the series of ‘I don’t need your help’ or ‘I can do things on my own’ are replaced with ‘thank you’ and ‘ I can help with that’. Laughter bounces off the walls of the apartment.

-

Lu Han stands at Minseok's bedroom door like a turtle with an enormous bag hanging from his shoulders, waiting for Minseok who is almost done dressing.

"Let's go." Minseok is surprised when Lu Han hooks a finger on the collar of his white shirt and pulls it down."What are you doing?" he says, but doesn't pull away.

"Did you apply the cream?"

Oh shoot.  Minseok has totally forgotten. Lu Han reaches into the side pocket of his backpack and takes out the topical anesthesia. He lightly squeezes out an ample amount from the tube.

"I can do it myself," Minseok says, trying to pry the tube away from his caregiver's hand —but Lu Han purposely let his finger touch the cream saying a mischievous 'Oops' before dabbing the area on the skin where Minseok’s chemo port is located, just on the upper left of his chest.

Minseok doesn’t even realize that he has been holding his breath while the cream is  being applied until when he huffs out after the contact.

"There. That should be fine until we reach the hospital," Lu Han says and steps out of Minseok’s way so they could get going and be done with their schedule for today.

It has been a while since Minseok last smelled the distinct smell of the hospital; the white walls aren't as nerve wracking as the last time he was here. He is getting used to it — _this_ — the _thing_.

"Are you cold?" Lu Han immediately has his hand on Minseok’s leg. Minseok shakes his head and Lu Han opens the backpack that he prepared earlier. "I told you to wear something longer. Go take a nap. This made you groggy the last time." A red blanket that Minseok has never seen before soon drapes his legs and it feels nice and comfortable. Minseok could fall asleep any time now.

-

Disoriented, Minseok doesn’t really know when and how they got home. He immediately runs towards the comfort room and empties his stomach even though there is barely anything in there. His feet and hands are turning cold, knuckles white as he grips on the bowl weakly.

Lu Han follows after him, damp towel in hand and a blanket hanging on his shoulder. He drops next to Minseok, running his hand up and down Minseok’s back, hoping that his touch could slightly —even just a tiny bit— take away the  pain.

Just like the first time this happened, the hybrid can do nothing but watch Minseok covered in cold sweat and pain. He does not cry this time. “It’s okay. I’m here.” Lu Han repeats as he wraps Minseok in a blanket and cuddles the shaking figure. Minseok curls in a fetal position in Lu Han’s hold.

“I’m here.” The floor is cold, but Minseok’s breath on Lu Han’s neck is warm. “It’s okay.”

-

After what feels like forever, Minseok wakes up to a slight thumping in his head that doesn’t bother him in the slightest. It has been a while since he feels this great after waking up… with limbs enveloping his body. Minseok should question why Lu Han is in his bed, but before the thought could even cross his mind, the twitching of Lu Han’s ears catches his attention.

This is the first time he is seeing the hybrid so close. Lu Han has long lashes, he notices, they kiss the rounds of his cheeks and the faint shadows beneath his eyes. There is a sloped scar on his bottom lip that makes Minseok wonder about the story behind it. The roots of Lu Han’s hair is showing, but Minseok finds the untamed golden locks ethereal.

The grasp becomes tighter, making Minseok squeak. One of Lu Han’s eyes flutter open.  He blinks to brush  the sleepiness away. When Lu Han finally realizes that Minseok is already awake and staring right at him, the butterflies in his stomach jolt awake.

Minseok has not been in control of his thoughts and his actions lately, because the ends of his lips are curling upwards, and he is not really sure if the fast paced beating is still coming from his head or from inside his chest.

The coldness creeps through Minseok’s skin, on the trail of Lu Han’s touch, when the hybrid withdraws from their own little bubble —and the smile leaves his lips.

“Did you sleep well?” Lu Han asks, his head turned away from Minseok.

Minseok wants to answer but he remembers that morning breath exists and he probably has not been able to clean himself after throwing up. He bobs his head to express that he is actually okay.

-

Minseok grips the pages between his hands, legs bent like a book holder. He adjusts his eyeglasses and looks up to see Lu Han hanging the clean laundry.

“Why did you stop?” Lu Han says, turning to Minseok.

“My head hurts from all the words.” Minseok folds the corner of the page where he stops reading. “What will happen to the rabbit?”

“You have to read it!” Lu Han walks up to where Minseok is seated on the warm cement of the rooftop. He flips open the dog-eared page. “She already fell, but you haven’t read far.”

Minseok throws Lu Han an incredulous look. Minseok used to be a fast reader before. Now, he can’t even read anything beyond two pages without struggle or a headache afterward. “Tell me something I don’t know.”

“I did not mean it that way.” Lu Han sighs. He pries the book off Minseok’s hand. “I’ll read it to you.”

“But you’ve read it before.”

It is as if Lu Han does not hear what Minseok said and starts reading. “ _The moon looks down on her. She lays motionless on a clearing. Her long white hair contrasts the bed of flowers and kisses just the top of her rear end…”_

Minseok closes his eyes, hunching, settling his forehead against his knees. Lu Han’s voice is as soft as the whispers of the wind, but it weaves its way through Minseok’s ears clearly, painting  scenery out of spoken words —the moon, a weeping lover, watching upon his fallen half.

The story unfolds at the back of his eyelids, and it feels so good to know what happens next without the jumbled words and the headache. Minseok wants to know if the bunny will ever wake up and if the moon will follow suit, but he is more captivated in the way Lu Han speaks, the way he gives the lines weight and emotions, the way Lu Han brings the moon and the rabbit to life.

Their storytelling is cut short when Lu Han complains that he can’t feel his ass anymore. “My legs are dead.” Minseok says as he tries to stretch his limbs —groaning in the process.

Lu Han tries to poke Minseok’s calf, earning a jab through his nose that Minseok doesn’t mean to be as painful as he has delivered.

“Oh shit—” Minseok quickly has his hands on Lu Han’s body, shaking the whimpering hybrid curled on the ground. “Lu Han! Lu Han!”

“I want to laugh but it hurts so much.” the hybrid grumbles, a shade of pink filming his face. He is sitting now, his hand on his nose, his tail swaying like a pendulum behind him. “It really hurts.”

Minseok feels like laughing too, but he feels too responsible for the pout on Lu Han’s lips, so he doesn’t.

That night, Minseok stands in front of the microwave, watching the paper bag inflate as the kernels pop. Lu Han is still on the rooftop, retrieving the clean laundry from earlier; and so Minseok prepares the snacks and starts buffering the movie they have decided to watch.

He takes his usual end of the couch and places the bowl of popcorn at the other end when he notices something. Usually, he will find a clump of Lu Han’s fur scrunched in the spaces of the cushion, but instead, he finds his own hair. It’s not his normal hair fall either.

Just then, the front door clicks open and Lu Han emerges from the hall with the laundry basket in his hands.

-

“What did Dr. Kim say?” Lu Han has his arm around Minseok’s hip. It comes natural now, the skinship. Minseok would not deny that, sometimes, he gets this tingly feeling whenever their skin comes in contact with each other, but it does not startle him —more like, wants it to last a little longer. He wants it to keep happening.

“Nothing. I’m okay.” Minseok tries to put on the best convincing smile that he could muster. When the car comes to view, he wiggles his body out of Lu Han’s hold and walks straight up to open the passenger door by himself. He only realizes that he has been stupid again when his hand meets the door handle, remembering that Lu Han has the key to the car. As soon as Lu Han sees what Minseok is trying to do, he takes out the key out of his pocket and opens the vehicle. “Same as before.”

“Really?” Lu Han asks when he’s finally in the driver’s seat and starting the car. “You know how they couldn’t disclose information to non-family members… you have to be honest with me.”

The words enter Minseok’s ears as accusations, as if calling him a liar. Instead of thinking that hiding something is nothing but pure lying, he convinces himself that it is a white lie —it would keep some things unaffected.

“Why would I even waste my time lying. I don’t need more sins to get to hell.” Minseok chuckles to make it more convincing, but Lu Han’s frown doesn’t leave  his face, so he suddenly stops and says that he is okay before reaching out to ruffle blonde locks and to run his fingers over the back of the hybrid’s ear.

Lu Han falls silent after that, and Minseok feels awkward —It has been awhile since he the last time he felt like this  uncomfortable being around each other. “I want to go on a trip. Maybe visit the place I came from.”

Lu Han spares him a look before turning back his eyes on the road. “That would be nice… Have you asked Dr. Kim if it is okay?”

“Yeah.” Minseok answers before his mind could even process what he is doing. “It’s about eight hours away from here.” He feels relieved when Lu Han bobs his head and says okay even though the hesitation is evident in his voice.

-

They drop by the apartment to get some clothes and other necessities. It is almost three in the afternoon when they both finish packing —more like when Lu Han finishes packing, since he keeps checking Minseok gets everything that he needs in his own backpack.

“Promise me that we will come back immediately if you feel like something is wrong. Okay?” Lu Han says after putting their backpacks into the back seat of Minseok’s car.

Minseok nods and hands Lu Han the car key, promising that he will do what Lu Han says. “It is not that different, though. It’s just that we’re going on a trip.”

The car purrs to life as Lu Han turns the key in the ignition. “Okay?” He asks Minseok, who is putting his seatbelt on with a struggle. He reaches out and fixes the belt himself.

“Okay.” Minseok affirms. Lu Han looks at him, and he can see the timidness in the other’s orbs —so he reaffirms that it’s good to go and that makes the hybrid shift the gear and start the long eight-hour drive.

-

They are about a quarter through their road trip already. Minseok has slept through about half of it, while the other half they spend listening to the mainstream songs on the radio. They sing through some of the songs, and Minseok laughs whenever Lu Han misses a line or gets it totally wrong.  Minseok does not correct him because he enjoys it.

“Yixing told me about it,” Lu Han says when a song that both of them don’t know starts playing. “I don’t mean to step over the line—”

“That we grew up in a foster home together?” Minseok has never considered his relationship with Yixing a secret.  but he does not go around telling other people about it either.  If anyone asks, he would probably answer without apprehension. “We lived together with other kids. Yixing was like the big brother in the house before, although I was there before him.”

Minseok goes on telling Lu Han about his life in the foster home. They are great memories to remember and always put a smile on Minseok’s lips —from the tasks that the kids living there were assigned to everyday, the little picnics that they had, and anecdotes that also make Lu Han laugh.

“There’s another person that I’m really close to. He’s Baekhyun, he’s still there in the foster home.” Baekhyun once told him that being in the foster home, watching and helping kids like they once were bloom, might be his calling.

Minseok keeps some stories to himself. They are not his to tell, he thinks.

-

A half awake Baekhyun greets them as soon as the front door of _Sarang_ opens. He is totally surprised to see Minseok past midnight, but he immediately opens the door wide. It is Minseok’s fault not calling beforehand that he would be arriving with someone.  Minseok means to surprise Baekhyun, but this catches e Baekhyun unprepared —so they end up together in a single room with a single bed to squeeze into because all of the rooms are occupied by the children.

Lu Han and Minseok have slept in the same bed together a number of times, but it’s because Lu Han has to keep an eye on Minseok.   
 

“I don’t mind,” Lu Han says. “But if you don’t feel comfortable then maybe I could sleep on the couch?”

“But you drove for hours, I bet your back is hurting.” Minseok pushes Lu Han towards the bed. “It’s big anyway, pick your side.” Lu Han doesn’t argue with this and picks the side of the bed next to the wall. Exhausted, he falls asleep right away.

Unfortunately, Minseok has too much sleep that day. He lies awake with the intent of falling asleep. He keeps himself tucked on his side of the bed, avoiding the imaginary line in the middle of the mattress.

Sleeping Lu Han doesn’t care about bed division because he rolls over to Minseok’s side — curling up there. Minseok becomes even more awake, his heart knocking on his chest, afraid of making a move.

Lu Han only gets closer, his head is now on Minseok’s chest, his ears under Minseok’s chin. Minseok’s body starts to relax when the hybrid leans more into him. He starts smoothing out Lu Han's hair carefully, still being cautious that the hybrid might wake up.

“Take your smoothie.” He hears Lu Han say in his sleep.  Minseok bites on his lower lip, trying not to laugh and buries his face in golden locks.

“It doesn’t taste nice,” Minseok murmurs.

Minseok wonders if he says things in his sleep, too. He never asks Lu Han because  the time that they spend in bed are mostly Lu Han monitoring him while he sleeps. He should probably ask about this stuff in the morning.

Unwelcome thoughts soon flood his mind,  his last conversation with Junmyeon playing through his head, the weight of _it_ still stirring in his chest. Just like the when his doctor broke the news of him having brain cancer, he chooses to run away from it --still in denial that he is, in fact, ill.

He needs to make his mind up very soon.

His hand suddenly stops threading through Lu Han’s hair. With much effort, he pries Lu Han’s arms off his body and draws the imaginary line in the middle of the bed again.

 

-

“You don’t have to cut them with much precision.” Ms. Song, the cook in the foster home since Minseok was young, tells him. She then takes the knife from his hand and lets him sit on one of the counters, which she’s never allowed before.

Lu Han stands beside her, stirring the soup in the huge pot, mumbling to himself. He takes a spoonful of the liquid and walks towards Minseok. “Ah~”

Minseok flinches when his thinned lips meet the spoon. “It’s still hot.”

Lu Han chuckles, “I’m sorry.” He blows air to the spoon before bringing it back to Minseok’s mouth, but Minseok takes the spoon from him instead and tastes the soup on his own.

It tastes like how Lu Han usually prepares soup at home –bland. Minseok frowns, something that he doesn’t do when Lu Han lets him taste what he’s cooked at home. “I’m not the only one who’s going to eat this.”

Lu Han’s lips forms a narrow ‘o’. The twitching of his ears is in sync with the blinking of his eyes.

“You should add more salt… and more leeks?” Minseok tries.

“Is this water with vegetables?” Ms. Song says. She pats Lu Han’s head. “Let me handle the kitchen, you should just join Baekhyun. It’s almost story-time. The kids are waiting.”

They are not even out of the kitchen completely but Baekhyun’s voice could already be heard booming through the corridors.

The children are seated on the floor, some listening intently to Baekhyun, while some are in their own little worlds. Lu Han immediately takes a seat next to a little girl, who seems to have the same ears as him and a tail resting on the cushion under her.

“Seokkie!” Baekhyun calls and pats the seat next to him. “Help me.” He scratches his throat.

During his occasional trips here,  Minseok would gladly present to read the story to the kids himself, but this time he swings his head and knocks his knuckle to his skull. “Headache.” Minseok mouths, although it is not as bad since he woke up that morning with the scent of blueberry shampoo and hands clinging on his arm.

“Just a whole page.” the kids start cheering on him to read to them. “See, you are their favorite. Right?”

“Yes!” the kids answer in chorus, including Baekhyun.

He takes off the glasses hanging on his shirt and gets on the makeshift platform.

-

Right after the storytelling session, they have gathered in the dining area. “She’s Aerin.” Lu Han says, running his hand through the girl’s hair. She is around six to seven years old. Minseok did not see her the last time he was here. “He’s Minseok.”

“Hi.” Minseok says. Aerin smiles at her, dimples showing under her eyes. Minseok wants to ask for how long she has been here or how does she find living here; but as if Lu Han can read his mind, a hand hidden from the child squeezes Minseok’s arm. So, he doesn’t ask.

_Maybe it’s a hybrid thing._

Lu Han earns the hearts of the kids, they are as comfortable to him as they do with Baekhyun. Minseok slightly feels jealous, but that’s just how Lu Han is. _Endearing._

Minseok doesn’t miss the way Baekhyun eyes them while he and Lu Han are at the table. He throws a questioning look at Baekhyun, but all he gets is a shit-eating grin.

“Here.” Lu Han whispers, pushing the glass filled with the healthy drink towards Minseok.

                                                                        -

On the second day of their stay in _Sarang_ , Baekhyun invites them to paint the exterior of the house. “I’ve been actually waiting for you or Yixing hyung to visit. The kids will just make a mess.”

Minseok and Lu Han express that they would gladly do so. Productivity and harmony have been in the air until Lu Han, who is standing on a stool and being much taller than Minseok in the moment, might have accidentally(intentionally) dropped paint onto Minseok’s shoulder.

Minseok gets back at him by shaking the stool and the hybrid becomes a banshee all of a sudden. “I’m sorry! Stop! Oh My God! I don’t want to die yet!”

“You—” Lu Han gets the chance  to jump off the stool but it’s not even that high in the first place. Then he quickly dips his brush again to the bucket of paint and is about to throw a fit when Minseok suddenly ducks on the ground with his hands on his temples. The paint brush suddenly hits the floor along with the make-believe anger. “Are you okay!?”

“No.” Minseok groans to make it more convincing. “My head hurts.”

“Okay. Let’s go back inside. No. We’re going home.” Lu Han is suddenly panicking. “You took your meds for headache, right?”

Minseok can’t help but laugh at how easily the hybrid’s stance changed. The hands on his arms has suddenly tightened and so he bites down on his lower lip to cut short the string of laughter.

“That’s not funny, asshole,” Lu Han says with much irritation but he still has his hands grasping Minseok's arms and helping him get off the ground.

-

They still share the same bed, but they have changed sides since Minseok gets on the mattress first. Lu Han hasn't been talking much ever since the incident with the paint. He still makes Minseok take the medicines and asks Minseok if he's okay a few times more than he usually does, and apparently awake Lu Han cares about bed division. Both of them lie awake. Lu Han has his back to Minseok, while the Minseok stares at Lu Han hoping that he would come around.

"You know, last night you said something in your sleep.” Minseok tries to break down the wall, feeling quite successful when Lu Han’s ears perk up and his tail stops swinging.

“What did I say?”

“Something about me taking the smoothie.”

Lu Han rolls over to face Minseok. His face is solemn and Minseok finds him endearing,  even though the crescents under his eyes seem darker.

Minseok feels bad seeing how the _thing_ has not only consumed him, but also Lu Han. If it is not for this _thing_ then Lu Han might be somewhere else or with someone else and not dealing with him. If it is not for this thing then he wouldn’t meet Lu Han —they would not be here.

 _It’s just a simple gesture._ He reaches out to brush stray hairs off Lu Han’s forehead. “I’m sorry,” he says. And it sucks because he is stuck with apologies always swimming in his heart although he dresses them as _thank you’s_ most of the time.

Sighing, Lu Han leans in to the touch _and that is not what Minseok has in mind --Lu Han isn’t supposed to throw himself into the water._   He hopes for Lu Han to understand that he is apologizing for things far greater than his joke earlier today, but he doesn’t expect Lu Han to lean in to his touch. His fingers stop amidst golden locks, then he withdraws his hand because Lu Han says nothing.

“Why did you stop? That felt nice.” Lu Han mumbles, closing his eyes, expecting to have Minseok’s hand back through his hair.

Minseok puts back the nonexistent bricks and resumes threading his fingers through Lu Han’s hair, this time scratching the back of one of Lu Han’s furry ears. _It’s just a simple gesture. It wouldn’t hurt._

Lu Han purrs because of the touch and then opens his eyes.

Minseok’s hand stops going through his hair for the second time.

They are painfully close that Minseok could smell Lu Han’s blueberry shampoo and the mint from the toothpaste. There’s a sudden drumming in his chest —a rhythm of anticipation and fear. He wants this, even though he shouldn’t. But maybe in this place, he could try to cross bridges that are too frail to begin with. Here, he could reach out to something that he has been wanting. Here, he could stop being afraid and be steps closer to Lu Han.

The tips of their noses touch. Minseok lets out a nervous sigh. His hand moves down over Lu Han’s cheek and he convinces himself that he could break down another wall. He could do it. _I could—_

Soft lips are suddenly on his chapped ones. Minseok could taste mint and the smell of blueberries infiltrates his senses. A hand lightly rests on his back, as if it’s testing the waters too, and Minseok badly wants it to hold him securely, even though that’s too much to ask.

He parts his lips unconsciously, his hand —shaking— gliding over the back of Lu Han’s neck.

The kiss is short and chaste, but it still takes away the air in Minseok’s lungs along with the fear stuck in his throat. They lie silent after, dazed from the fleeting moment shared —cheeks still stained red.

Lu Han crosses the bridge himself —reaching out for Minseok with the span of his arms. 

“Lu—” and Lu Han leans in again, their lips barely touching. He’s waiting for Minseok to push him away or at least nudge him off, but neither come.

Minseok thinks that a kiss should not hurt, that a few steps closer wouldn’t hurt, but Lu Han’s lips are against him for the second time, kissing him like they have been waiting for this moment all along, like they have been waiting to do it again and again.

His chest starts to burn, not with the lack of oxygen, but because of the words he’s keeping dangling in his ribcage —and he feels like he can’t breathe. His hands flatten on Lu Han’s chest, gingerly pushing the hybrid away.

“I’m sorry.” Lu Han is quick to apologize.

 _Don’t. No, don’t look at me like that._ He’s drowning in all the hopes reflected in Lu Han’s eyes. _Don’t._

“Let’s just go to sleep.” Minseok’s voice comes out pleading and before Lu Han could say the syllable forming on his lips, Minseok turns his back. “Goodnight, Lu Han.”

-

Minseok is woken up by a hurricane inside his head. It feels like his brain is pulsating a hundred beats per second. He sees Lu Han bent away from him and the evident space between them.

  Minseok gets out of bed as quietly as he could, biting his lower lip and swallowing the whimpers that might fall out of his mouth. His backpack is not hard to find even in the dark and even with his skewed vision. Opening the secret pocket at the bottom of the bag, Minseok retrieves a canister.

The cold tablets in his hand are more than what he is allowed to take, but he pops them in his mouth and pushes them down his system —hoping to see an immediate exit from the pain.

-

The creaking sound of the swings and the cheers of the kids from a distance drown Baekhyun’s soft crying. Minseok feels like it’s the most appropriate thing that he should and at the same time should not say to his friend. “I should feel like you should know, but I hate seeing you like this, Baek. Stop crying. I’m still alive.”

“But you said you’re going to stop your treatment.” Baekhyun says.

Minseok stops swinging his seat and grips the chains tighter. “It’s more… practical.” He is not even sure if he is using the right word, but right now, he feels like it is the better way to go. He is getting worse.

The current medication he is under is not working for him, and the new suggested treatment would be stronger for the _thing_ has spread already. “I’m not suited for that, It might even kill me before killing this thing in my head.

“There’s still a chance of you living if you take it.” Baekhyun places a hand on Minseok’s thigh. “There is still a chance.”

“But it’s already spread. It’s hopeless, Baek. Say that by the time they even shrink this thing in my head, I’m already dead due to other complications. It’s unstoppable.” Minseok gives out a hollow chuckle.

It’s ironic.  He is given a choice to extend his life, but it only speeds up his body’s degeneration. It’s like having your own murderer give you a choice on how and how quickly you want your life to be taken

“Lu Han… he’s my caregiver, something like that. He’s supposed to help me with my therapy.” Minseok says. “More or less…”

“I’ve read about hybrids being helpful with therapies.” Baekhyun starts swinging his seat again. He looks up, trying to stop the tears from leaking out of his eyes. “Does he know?”

“That I’m going to stop medication?” Minseok says, “No. He does not. I’m afraid to let him know.”

Minseok can see the Lu Han in the field, laughing with his eyes like half moons —the one that makes the corner of his eyes crinkle. Minseok does not need to be close enough to see them, he has grown accustomed to Lu Han’s face that he could picture it whenever his eyes are closed, or when Lu Han is not physically near him.

“He should know. How is he going to do what he has to do—”

“I wouldn’t be able to come here if he knew. He’ll be freaking out right now in the apartment.” Minseok mobilizes his seat again, kicking the sand under his feet.

“I would not be surprised. I see the way he looks at you.”

“Looks at me?”

“Yeah. Like he only looks at you.”

“But that’s because he has to keep an eye on me,” Minseok scoffs, although he can feel a flush rising on his cheeks. He looks at Lu Han again, the hybrid stops midway running through the field. For a moment all the sounds go silent in his head when their eyes meet, all he could see is Lu Han waving at him with a smile on his lips.

“You like him, too. Don’t you?” Baekhyun pulls him back to reality with a playful jab to his ribs. “No, don’t answer that. The way you look at him is a give away.”

“Look at him like what?” Minseok tries to play it cool. _It’s pointless_

“Like you only look at him.” Baekhyun answers. “Does he know?”

Minseok swallows down the imaginary lump in his throat. “He doesn’t. I don’t want to drag him into this.”

“But isn’t he already there?”

Minseok doesn’t have an answer to that. He is not Lu Han to answer.

“This is not the time to let opportunities pass. You’re both in this already, make it worthwhile. You don’t have to be afraid.” The hand on his thigh grips him tightly.

 His gaze is following Lu Han on the field. _You don’t have to be afraid._

-

The sound of the shower and Lu Han’s humming mask the sound of the popping cap off the canister. The two tablets sit on his tongue for a while before he swallows them. He quickly returns the container to the secret pocket and slips back to bed to pretend he is asleep, before Lu Han could even step out of the bathroom and make him take his scheduled medicines.

Curling up into a fetal position, he clutches the blanket up to his chest to lessen the cold.

_-_

With the time to beat, Minseok decides to finally leave _Sarang_ on their third day. They have breakfast with the children, some of them tearing up when Lu Han announces that they should be leaving right after the meal.

“You know there is no such thing as overstaying in your home, right?” Baekhyun says.  He’s holding on to Minseok’s hand. He knows that it’s going to take some time for Minseok to visit or, quite possibly, never again. “You could always come back here.”

Minseok can hear how Baekhyun is trying so hard to hold back his tears. So, he turns back to his friend. “Don’t be like this, Baek.” He has a smile on his face, pleading. “Let me.” _Let me go_.

Baekhyun’s grip only gets tighter.  This  is what scares Minseok most —attachment to something that you very much know will eventually disappear. “Baek....” He hugs his friend. “If I continued taking treatment, I might not even be here. I need time. It’s just going to waste me away more.” he whispers.

He can feel his shirt being soaked with Baekhyun’s tears and it’s just adding more weight to his chains. “You and Yixing hyung are the closest to brothers and family I would ever have. I would always be thankful for that.”

“Don’t,” Baekhyun says,  his crying getting more difficult to contain.

“You keep running _Sarang_. I know you’ll be able to help the kids grow to their full potential. Thank you. For everything.” He pats Baekhyun’s back and kisses the side of his head. “Take care of yourself, Baekhyun. The kids need you.”

Soon, Lu Han is emerging from the front door with both of their backpacks. “We need to go now, Baek.” He can feel the arms leaving his body tentatively.

“I love you, hyung. Take care of yourself, too.” The first three words pin Minseok. e does not dare say it back. “I know it’s scary… but please stop being afraid and live the life you deserve, there are people willing to make that happen.”

Minseok just nods and turns his back. He does not look back once he walks towards the car and until he gets in, although he can see his friend still standing at the front door through the side mirror. “We should go.” he says before he could even change his mind. “Start the car.”

-

“Keep driving.” Minseok tells Lu Han as he cries his heart out. He just feels he needs to let out the heaviness in his chest. “Just keep driving.”

Lu Han does not ask and respects Minseok’s space. Even though if he would be the one to decide, he would stop the car in a lay-bay and wrap his arms around Minseok.

-

Minseok is surprised that the car has stopped moving and that Lu Han is not in the driver’s seat. The windows are rolled down too. He could smell salt and the sound of the waves reverberates in his ears.

He surveys his surroundings. They are —or he is, if Lu Han had suddenly decided to runaway— in some kind of a resort. The clock on the dashboard says that it’s already 2 in the afternoon. He’s been out for about four hours.

There are cabins and beach gazebos. He looks at his image in the side mirror, his eyes are swollen —then he spots Lu Han coming out of one of the cabins, the largest one with Concierge written at the top of it.

“Are you hungry?” Lu Han asks as soon as he reaches the car. “Is this okay?” he waves his hand, to point out that he is talking about the place.

“No. Yes.” Lu Han opens the door for him. His legs and feet still feel wobbly on the sand. There is an arm circling his waist for support. He wants to say that he could walk on his own, but he feels like that would be too much work right now, so he does not complain.

“You should still eat. You have to take your meds in an hour.” Lu Han says.

Minseok wants to laugh because the medicines are pretty useless now, aside from the one for his headaches —that stuff still masks his pain and makes it seem that everything is going fine. That he is not disintegrating. That there is hope.

He is quite disappointed that the cottage only has one room. “There’s only one bed, too?”

“Oh— I just thought— I’ll go request for another room.” Lu Han says, hand already clutching on the door knob.

“You’ll just inconvenience people.” Minseok drops down on the mattress too tired to function even though  all he did earlier was  crying and sleeping. He closes his eyes and wishes to disappear, even just for a while.

He feels the other side of the bed dip, and he rolls to his side to avoid being in contact with Lu Han.

Minseok wishes for Lu Han to stop crossing worn-out bridges, to know that keeping your feet on the sands of the shore is far better than letting your body hit the ocean floor.

But here, Minseok feels Lu Han’s arms enfold his body.

Here, Lu Han has his head leaning onto the space between Minseok’s shoulder blades.

“I want to know.” Lu Han says.

At least, he could drop all his fears in this place and pick them up once he needs to. Right here, Minseok drags Lu Han under the water with him and plans to push him up the surface when the need for oxygen arises.

“Nothing.” Minseok answers, hand hovering over Lu Han’s. “I’m hungry, Han.”

“Can’t we stay like this a little longer?” Lu Han catches his fingers, weaving them together.  _You don’t have to be afraid._ As breath fans across his nape, Minseok curls into the embrace and silently pleads.

Minseok does not know if he should be ashamed or annoyed at the spur-of-the-moment grumbling of his stomach, but a chuckle makes its way to his lips and he could feel Lu Han’s own reverberating through his back.

“Okay. Okay. Let me help you up, love.” Minseok’s heart suddenly stills in his chest and his tummy feels funny again, albeit not because of hunger.

Lu Han sits him up on the edge of the bed. “I’ll just get your medicine kit.”

Minseok doesn’t let go of Lu Han’s hand when he tries to take a step away. Taking notice of their intertwined fingers, he takes in how intimate they look. He tugs on Lu Han’s arm for the other to take a step closer.

Lu Han snickers but heeds nonetheless, running his free hand through Minseok’s hair. “Do you still want anything?”

Maybe he could start with this. Minseok wraps his arms around Lu Han’s middle and leans into the hybrid’s belly, shaking his head. _I’m sorry._ _for dragging you with me._

“Shhhh… It’s okay.” Lu Han says, dropping a kiss on Minseok’s hair and squeezing him into a tighter embrace. “It’s okay.”

-

While waiting for Lu Han to finish showering, Minseok decides to sit in the back porch of the cottage, facing the beach. He has already changed into his sleeping clothes, donning a plain white shirt and just his boxers. Lu Han has seen him stripped down to just his underwear a couple of times before; he doesn’t mind exposing himself physically anymore.

The horizon is clear of clouds, the moon reflecting over the water at its brightest. It’s déjà vu. Minseok has seen this before --the continuity of time and his own existence mocking him. The stars would still continue on with their business, shining over beings that could not outlast them —Minseok chuckles. _But stars die as well._ Time is probably laughing at them, too.

He gets off the wooden floor, turning around, when he hears the sliding door open.

“Aren’t you going to get cold? I packed you pajamas.” Lu Han says. His hair is still damp and unruly. His arms circling Minseok’s waist.

Minseok leans in and tilts his head upward to meet Lu Han’s gaze. Their noses touch, their minty breaths mixing into one. “It’s okay. I got you.” Lu Han tells him. He sheds the last bit of his fear, tiptoeing.

Their lips meet in a soft kiss, unhurried, gentle and deepens into something passionate and craving.

Lu Han nibbles on Minseok’s bottom lip, his fingers finding their way under Minseok’s white shirt. Minseok gasps at the contact of coldness to his skin, but he only pushes himself closer to Lu Han’s chest, even though space seems nonexistent between them now.

Lu Han's lips move across his cheek, leaving small kisses through the contour of his jaw and down to his neck,  only tilting his head to allow the gesture. “Is this okay?” Lu Han whispers before marking Minseok with another kiss on the juncture of his neck and shoulder.

Minseok does not answer, instead, he brings Lu Han’s lips back on his own. Daring, his tongue glides past Lu Han’s lips. They moan in unison, as they taste the budding affection between them and their crotches come in contact through thin fabrics.

They manage to make it back inside the cottage and to the bed, shedding their clothes with only their underwear remaining. Lu Han lays Minseok’s on the cushion, legs flanking Minseok’s side.

The only illumination is the streak of moonlight coming through the door they left open in their haste to get inside.  The light hits the side of the bed, highlighting Lu Han against the darkness. He is surprised to see Lu Han more beautiful this way and it makes Minseok want to kiss him again, and so he yanks Lu Han down and tastes liberty in Lu Han’s lips.

Minseok could feel the heat rising through his body as his hands glide through Lu Han’s soft skin and with cries of lust, he lightly sucks a spot on the hybrid’s neck just where his pulse hits.

A coiling sensation starts beneath Minseok’s belly as Lu Han starts to toy with one of his nubs and it gets his still-restrained cock painfully stiff when the hybrid starts running his tongue down his chest and nibbles one of his nipples. He can feel Lu Han’s bulge against his thighs and he reaches out to feel it with his palms.  He wants to feel it without the hindrance of clothing but Lu Han seems to beat him to the thought, because soon, his boxers are being peeled off him.

Minseok throws his head back on the mattress in surrender to the pleasure as Lu Han runs the tip of his tongue through the slit of his cock, cleaning it off of precum. Minseok’s hand threads through golden locks as Lu Han takes him in his mouth. It is hot and wet and Minseok can’t help but thrust and meet the rhythm of the lips wrapped around his cock. There’s still a hand lightly tugging on his nipple, making the twisting sensation in his lower abdomen shoot down lower through his crotch and he knows he’s near.

Lu Han must have felt it too, because he quickens his pace. Sucking and using his hands on what he can’t touch with his mouth. Soon, Lu Han’s name rolls off Minseok’s tongue as he comes undone, body shuddering and still sensitive.

Lu Han crawls up over Minseok to drop a kiss on his still flushed cheek, pulling him down to earth again, but Minseok craves to be even closer to Lu Han, to feel more and let their feelings —passion, lust, excitement, everything— meld into one. He just wants to be closer to Lu Han now that he has no fears shackling him.

His hands are guided inside Lu Han’s boxers, to soft, smooth mounds. “Lu, don’t we need a—” He is hushed with a kiss. Minseok’s fingers are then dragged between Lu Han’s butt cheeks, and he finally gets it why they wouldn’t be needing any lube.

“It’s a hybrid thing.” Lu Han whispers in between kisses.

Minseok nudges Lu Han off him so they could change positions, with Lu Han now lying underneath him. He takes a moment to savor the sight, Lu Han flushed with the most beautiful shade of red he ever wore, his ears twitching atop his hair. “Did I ever tell you that I find the twitching of your ears cute?”

“Oh. I thought you hated them.” Lu Han has his hands covering his ears immediately.

“Don’t,” Minseok breathes against Lu Han’s lips before pulling the latter’s arms downs and gliding his hands through the curves of the hybrid’s body, hooking a finger on a garter of the remaining cover and pulling it down.

A wanton moan escapes Lu Han’s lips as Minseok slips a finger into him and pulling back to repeat the process. Second and third digits are soon added —his moans tangling with Minseok’s tongue exploring his cavern.

“Okay?” Minseok asks as he pushes himself off for a moment to get a good look of the man under him. There are droplets of sweat filming Lu Han’s forehead.  Minseok kisses them off. They look at each other and Minseok hopes that he is reflecting the same need and want that are evident in Lu Han’s orbs.

Lu Han breathes out a yes before Minseok positions himself. They both gasp and moan as Minseok starts to sink into Lu Han. They are still for a while, letting each other adjust to the heat and tightness. Lu Han is the first one to move his hips, signaling Minseok.

Minseok weaves his fingers with Lu Han’s as he starts moving —grinding their hips in a measure and kisses splattered like constellations.

Right in this moment, Minseok does not want to think about anything but Lu Han. Lu Han’s taste that lingers in his mouth and Minseok relishing it again and again. The warmth of Lu Han’s walls clamping over him. The sound of his name mixed with sighs of pleasure. The butterfly caresses burning and etching themselves on his skin. They learn about each other’s bodies —their planes and curves. Minseok wishes he could bottle up the bursting feeling in his chest every time Lu Han calls for him with need and pleasure.

“Please. Minseok.” It almost sounds like a broken sob. Minseok heeds to it, thrusting faster and deeper, wrapping his hand around Lu Han’s leaking cock, flicking his wrist. It takes a few strokes until a string of white paints his hand and Lu Han’s stomach. Minseok follows, coming for the second time and collapsing onto a welcoming chest.

A comfortable silence dawns on them as they try to catch their breaths and come down their highs, still joined in regions that brings them together not only physically but with the entirety of their beings. And Minseok wants to stay in this silence.

Right here, Minseok wants to stay.

-

Minseok is unaware of time as they both stay in bed with their limbs tangled. He is snuggled in Lu Han’s embrace, under the crumpled white sheets. The butterflies in his stomach are fluttering  just like the kisses trailing on his back.

“Lu,” Minseok says. Lu Han hums in response, stopping his kisses and hooking his chin over  Minseok’s shoulder. “What happened to the rabbit? I just remembered.” Minseok worries about  sound ridiculous remembering things like this, but he doesn’t think twice saying it.

“She has been wandering in the forest, right?” Fortunately, Minseok remembers the image of a woman dressed in nothing but confusion and the nightmarish darkness that she’s in. “She will meet someone. A man living in a cabin situated beside the lake.”

“The Moon. What about the moon?”

“Well, the moon is in the background for a while. He doesn’t make an appearance.” Minseok lets out a gasp when Lu Han runs his hand over Minseok’s bare stomach. “You see, the story doesn’t mention that he was looking down on her, watching her. But he’s there… keeping an eye on her.”

“Then?”

“I’ll read it to you when we get back. I’m not doing the words justice.” Lu Han says, kissing Minseok’s cheek. “It’s almost time for you to take your medicine.”

“That doesn’t sound tempting at all.”

“Come on,” Lu Han kisses his cheeks again before hauling him out of bed.

And for a moment, the world seems to be off balance. There is a piercing pain in Minseok’s head, like a sudden punch delivered to his skull. On impulse, he closes eyes and digs the pads of his fingers to his temples.

He can hear Lu Han saying something, but the garbled words turn into a deafening monotonous ringing that lasts for a few seconds.

“Minseok, are you okay?” Lu Han asks. His face is suddenly downcasted. “We should have woken up earlier for you to take your meds.”

“I just got up all of a sudden, that’s all.” Minseok tries to smile, but Lu Han doesn’t buy it and walks towards his backpack.

 _This is why I can’t tell you._  Minseok gets off the bed and walks to the vanity counter, wrapping his arms around Lu Han and resting his forehead on the hybrid’s back.

Lu Han stops rummaging through his bag and leans back on Minseok’s chest. His tail starts swaying, indicating that he’s starting to loosen up.

“I promised you that we’ll get back when something’s wrong. We don’t have to go back now.” Minseok means it, even though his body and reality are calling him a liar again. He just wants to stay here.

-

They walk hand-in-hand through the cobblestone path to the dining area. There is a family with three kids and a couple already in the area, Minseok feels comfortable that they pay them no mind. Their complimentary breakfast is immediately served.

Lu Han makes a small request for a pineapple smoothie. “You thought you were free of the smoothies?” he has a mischievous smile on his lips as he looks at Minseok.

“I would gladly take a pineapple smoothie than your concoctions from hell.” Minseok answers, popping two of the pills in his mouth.

“They are really that bad?” Lu Han chuckles lightly and hands Minseok two more medicines.

“You let me drink those without knowing what they taste like?”

“They look bad… so, I figured—”

Minseok raises his arms, threatening to throw the pills in his hand. “They taste weird! Really!” He does not realize that his voice is getting a little louder until the couple, who is closest to their table, turns their heads to their table. Minseok  nods his head in apology, then throws a glare at Lu Han who has his hand clasped on his mouth and eyes crinkled to crescents.

They spend the rest of the afternoon roaming the vicinity of the resort, walking through the shoreline,  not really interested in getting into the water with the sun still in the horizon.

Lu Han has dragged him into a mini museum by a local artist in the area,  just outside the resort. According to the resort pamphlet, the place houses about five galleries,; Minseok and Luhan are down to the last room at the end of the hall.

“Just so you wouldn’t get lost,” Lu Han says, tightening his hold on Minseok’s hand before they step into the last gallery.

“I think we’re the only ones here,” Minseok whispers. They are walking through the fifth room without paying attention to the signage on the door. “I haven’t seen anyone...”

“Shhh… I know, love.” and before the butterflies could even start a riot in his stomach, Lu Han hushes him with a kiss. “Let’s rest for a little bit then we could go to that night market the concierge told me about.” Lu Han drums his fingers on his lips as Minseok looks at him questioningly.

“Nothing. It’s just your little fireworks.” Lu Han says, leaning down on him for another kiss.

-

They pass by more carts that sell more or less the same things.

Minseok suddenly tugs Lu Han’s hand and pulls him over to one of the carts. “Let’s just buy _odeng_ and _tteokkkochi_. The amount of people is making my head spin and we did a lot of walking earlier.”

“Okay.” Lu Han drops a kiss on Minseok’s bonnet covered head and then informs the woman that they will be getting five sticks of each. “We could eat them in the porch. What do you say?”

That doesn’t happen because they finish their food on the ride home.

“We should have gotten more,” Lu Han says,  stopping Minseok from fully getting out of the car and making his way to open the passenger door.

“I can still walk, Lu.” Minseok does not want to sound annoyed, but Lu Han acting like this sometimes gets on Minseok’s nerves, especially if it’s evident that he does not need any help.

“I know,” Lu Han answers and crouches before him, ass almost touching the ground. “Hop on.”

The irritation quickly dissipates from Minseok and he’s suddenly aware of the warmth in his chest. “You can’t carry me. I’m heavy.”

“You’ve seen these legs in all their bareness.” Lu Han pats his limbs with much ardor. “This has been a dream, don’t go crushing teenage Lu Han’s dreams now, Minseok.”

The warmth in Minseok’s chest crawls up through his neck and to his cheeks, with the thought of Lu Han’s legs and bareness and all that.

“We don’t want a crying Lu Han now, do we?” he says as he lunges himself over Lu Han’s back.

Minseok does not want to be reminded of how much weight he has lost as Lu Han carries him without much effort. Minseok has his arms hanging on his carrier’s shoulders freely, his head beside Lu Han’s.

“Did you really find me annoying?” Lu Han’s voice reverberates against the eeriness of the night and the kisses of the waves to the shore.

Minseok buries his face into Lu Han’s neck, smelling blueberries despite the scent  of sweat. He figures, he likes Lu Han too much to even care. “Hmmm… I actually found you cute to be honest. Your nurse scrubs looked good on you. I can’t remember much since I was having too much headaches before all the pain killers.”

“Oh. I didn’t know you were into roleplay.” Lu Han says teasingly that earns him a light slap. “But was I annoying?”

“You were, but that’s because i find everything annoying with my mood swings and you know, I was new to this _thing_.” Minseok leaves a soft kiss on Lu Han’s jaw and tries to drag the conversation away from the _thing_. “So… how about me?”

“You?” Lu Han pauses and looks back at him. “Do you want to stargaze for a while. It’s not that cold, or I could get you blankets?”

Minseok hasn’t noticed that they are already in front of their cottage, but he really does not feel like going to bed just yet. “No. I’m good. We could walk closer to the water.”

“We?”

“Okay. You. Carry me there! Near the water.”

Lu Han kisses his arm and starts walking away from their cottage. “Anything for you, love.”

Minseok’s guts feel like they are in knots, and it gets  worse each time Lu Han says such things. “I hate you for saying things like that. My stomach feels funny every time you do it.”

“What?”

“When you say things like that.”

“Like what?” Lu Han asks before putting Minseok down.

“Calling me that,” Minseok answers, sitting down. They finally find a spot where the sand is still dry but a few steps away from the water. Lu Han stops Minseok from from directly sitting on the ground Lu Han takes off his cardigan and lays it on the sand.

“But I like calling you that, _love_.” Lu Han has a pout on his lips and Minseok suddenly loses the ability to argue.

“You haven’t answered my question.” He rests his head on Lu Han’s shoulder and curls up his legs to his chest.

“I was just not used to   anyone shouting at me… and maybe I was a little shy…” Lu Han rests his hand on Minseok’s hip and pulling him into a half hug. “But I guess I liked you the first time I saw you… and I know that you are not really a shitty person. I just want to watch over you… I guess I watched you too much—”

“Yeah. You did. The only time you didn’t see me is when you slept or when I took a bath.” Minseok pokes at Lu Han’s ribcage with a smile plastered on his lips.

“Ah. I would have liked to see you taking a bath, too. ” Lu Han’s hand slips down  over Minseok’s arm, making bumps start to rise and a chill crawl up his spine.

“You smell like sweat, too.” Minseok interjects.

“Is that another way of telling me that we should take a shower together?”

And that’s how they end up in the bathroom, forgetting about stargazing.

Lu Han helps Minseok get out of his clothes and Minseok finally understands the little fireworks when a candid kiss lands on his lips. “Do you know that you sleep with your mouth open?” Lu Han says, before pressing another kiss on Minseok’s collarbone. “You don’t talk, but sometimes your eyebrows scrunch and you grunt. It worries me every time.”

Lu Han gets out of his own clothes and starts running the shower, letting Minseok stay under the sprinkler as he retrieves the shampoo. They fall into silence —a comfortable one. Lu Han starts lathering shampoo on Minseok’s hair, lightly massaging his scalp. “Is this okay?”

Minseok nods, the pressure doesn’t bother him that much as it’s almost close to none, thanks to the extra tablets the he knows he is not supposed to take. He closes his eyes and lets Lu Han keep doing what he’s doing. “Let’s go back to the hospital tomorrow.” The loofah against his chest suddenly stops.

“Is there something wrong? How do you feel right now? Does your head hurt so bad? We could go back tonight. I could still drive.” Lu Han continues with his inquiry, his hands are at a complete stop. “Minseok, look at me.”

Minseok takes a sucker punch to the heart when he opens his eyes to Lu Han’s pleading and worried ones. This is another part that he has always been scared of. “Dr. Kim has asked me to go back. You don’t have to worry.” That’s partly true anyway. Minseok is not lying… or at least he is not completely lying. He hopes that Lu Han can’t feel the things he is leaving unsaid reverberating in his chest.

He knows that Lu Han doesn’t believe him truly, but the hybrid doesn’t push either; which makes Minseok thankful, for he could still forget about everything and just focus on _here._

They finish showering, with Lu Han insisting on doing everything for Minseok, but Minseok does not have any of it and returns the favor.

Their innocence stays in the bathroom as they end up on the bed, damp hairs and wintry skin mixing with the sound of desire and desperation.

Minseok wants to commit this not just to his memory, but also Lu Han’s —every bit of this moment. Each kiss that they could imprint on each other, very little firework that explodes in their own sky whenever their skin touch. He just wants Lu Han while he still can.

Warmth spreads through them with every kiss. Lu Han has been careful with him and Minseok just badly wants to break that wall down. He pulls Lu Han down on him, their groins brushing together, briefly breaking away from their kiss only to moan into each other’s mouths. Yanking down Lu Han again and kissing him hard — Minseok shows him how much he wants this.

Lu Han feels the same, Nipping at Minseok’s neck, he starts sucking on smooth white skin. Minseok finds his hands grasping for Lu Han and ends up brushing on pink perky nipples, which brings out a rough groan from the other.

Minseok can’t help but ache for more,  to be closer. He wraps his legs around Lu Han’s waist, burning to feel more friction. “Just take me, Han.” He pants out as he desperately ruts against Lu Han.

“But I might—” Minseok doesn’t want to hear it. Fuck being careful. Fuck being soft. There might not be another time to do this again. He brings back their lips together again, thrusting his tongue into Lu Han’s mouth —the sound of their mouths melting into each other fills the dimly lit room and the hushes of the waves from afar.

“I just want you, Han. Please.” and Minseok almost wants to cry when Lu Han leaves the bed and walks to the corner of the room where their luggage is, “Lu Han.”

Lu Han is immediately back in his arms, kissing him on his already bruised lips and on his forehead.

“I’m sorry. I’m here.” Lu Han says.

Minseok adjusts his legs and spreads himself for Lu Han. “Are you sure?” Minseok answers by nodding his head more times than necessary. He shudders as the cold  gel meets his already aching hole. Breathy whimpers escape his lips as Lu Han teases him with a finger circling his rim and soon drags out to a moan when the digit eases slowly inside the throbbing ring of muscle.

Minseok can taste the iron on his lips as his teeth sink deeper to his bottom lip while Lu Han works  his second finger to stretch him open. Shedding all the shame in his body, Minseok fucks himself into Lu Han’s fingers, his moans being swallowed by Lu Han in a tangled mess that are their tongues and lips.

Lu Han sucks on Minseok’s tongue and nibbles on his bottom lip, basking in the warmth and softness, before moving on nipping on his jawline and his earlobe. “Okay?” He breathes out. His chest heaving with the weight of his beating heart against Minseok’s.

Minseok nods. “Y-yes.”

Lu Han lubes his whole length before positioning himself aligned with Minseok,  waiting to be filled. Their chests hitch as they hold their breaths, Minseok giving out when the head of Lu Han’s cock finally sinks into him,  painfully slow. Lu Han kisses him to erase the pain.

Soon enough, it is just the rhythm of their hips, their moans,  the slap of skin on skin, heir shower having gone to waste as sweat films their bodies.

Minseok’s fingers curl on the hair at the back of Lu Han’s head, as his sensitive bundle of nerves is hit, and a demanding “There,” escapes his lips as words have lost their meaning. Minseok squirms, thrusts back into Luhan , meeting Lu Han’s movements, feverish.

He feels like Lu Han is nearing his own climax when the thrusting gets  sharper and deeper. The strings of pleas and grunts mix in the waves of pleasure. Lu Han tugs on Minseok’s already leaking cock, which has been heavy and stiff against his own stomach.

And they come undone with stars bursting before their eyes.

Minseok doesn’t ask much for the things that he wants to hang on to; but he wants to bottle up the sparkle in Lu Han’s eyes as they lie side by side, the touch of the fingers brushing off stray hairs on his forehead, the tug of Lu Han’s lips as they curl upward, the twitching of his ears— there are so many things that he wants for keeps— he wants to keep everything about Lu Han. He wants to keep Lu Han.

Just like when they first met each other, Lu Han hums for Minseok and smiles at him before slumber finally wraps its limbs around his dejected body.

 

                                                                        -

_The clock is racing to twelve midnight; the night is silent except for the sound of the water dispenser at the end hall and their hushed conversation._

_“You know how things work, Lu Han.” Sehun, another caregiving hybrid, says behind his clipboard._

_Lu Han’s fingers curl on his lap. Caregiving hybrids like them are always outside the circle unless their patients let them in, he knows that, of course. “How am I supposed to know what’s going on with him? Dr. Kim says that I should ask Minseok, but he has been silent and… it seems like he is avoiding me. ”_

_“We could care all we want, but that’s what we’re supposed to do. It’s still up to them, you know… ” Sehun pats him on the back, sighing. “It really depends on how they want things to be. We’re here to support them emotionally and as far as they let us.”_

_“But… I don’t see why he’s hiding this from me…” Lu Han says, getting flashbacks from their trip that ended earlier that morning. “And I believe that he has been more than just someone that I should look after… and somehow he’s made me feel that this isn’t just about me.”_

_“If what you’re saying is true then talk it out again.”_

_“Haven’t you been listening to me? I’ve been asking him what’s wrong.” Lu Han claws his face in frustration._

_“You guys just got back from a trip. Maybe he’s adjusting himself again. Give it time.”_

_Lu Han wants to scoff. Time._

-

Minseok is still awake when Lu Han slides back into the room. Lu Han tries to make small talk, pulling a chair near the bed and reaching out for his hand, but Minseok can’t do this anymore. Reality has caught up with him and he needs not to drag Lu Han further, and so he pulls away his hand.

_Damage control._

He sees the frown on the hybrid’s face intensify and he can’t bear to look at this. He shouldn’t have even tried dragging Lu Han out in the first place. This is the same face that Minseok saw Baekhyun wear the day he decided to leave _Sarang_ , the image of attachment, how it hurt to let go.

Minseok feels sick, more sick than he currently is. The physical pain in his head is less worse than the clenching of his chest whenever he pulls away from Lu Han, but he does not want to add to what Lu Han might feel when he dies.

“Hey, does your head feel okay?”  Lu Han asks.

How Minseok wishes to go back to ground zero. To when he and Lu Han were still distant from each other.  Minseok is not afraid people will have a hard time _letting go_ of him when the time comes, but, he’s the one getting too afraid to get attached. He knows he aches for Lu Han’s touch. He is being selfish either way, but keeping things under control instead of letting it stretch further is the best thing to do.

So, he closes his eyes and pretends that Lu Han isn’t sitting in front of him.

-

Lu Han almost wants to drop to his knees and beg Yixing to tell him what’s going on, anything. He has been desperate. Yixing’s tears don’t t help, they only make the joints in Lu Han’s body dislodge.

“He didn’t tell me about the meeting he had with Dr. Kim before you guys went on a trip.” Yixing paces back and forth in front of Lu Han, pinching the bridge of his nose in an attempt to stop the tears and digest everything that has been fed to him.

The sight of Minseok dropping unconscious all of a sudden plays in Lu Han’s head. It’s scaring the hell out of him. He keeps on scratching his ears instinctively and brushes his forearm to his eyes, wiping away his tears. How he just wants to scratch the back of his eyelids to clear off the image of Minseok in his arms, pale and lifeless.

-

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Lu Han says.

Minseok wants to look away as he doesn’t want to see this, at the same time, he wants to wipe the tears off Lu Han’s cheeks and say that he is really sorry. He goes with his first instinct.

“Minseok…” _No. Please. Don’t kneel in front of me. Don’t hold my hand. No._

“Because I know you will be like this.” Minseok chokes out. His eyes are already brimming  with tears. _Please. Don’t fall._ “You don’t even know how hard it is to look at you now. Now, that I’m back in reality. Now that I have to deal with _this._ ”

He takes his hands off Lu Han’s and wipes his own tears. His chest is starting to hurt and he doesn’t want any of this pain. He doesn’t want this for Lu Han. He doesn’t want this for himself.

“I can’t stand seeing you. I can’t stand hearing your voice. I can’t. And it fucking sucks because when I close my eyes, I can still see you. Hear you. Feel you.” Minseok breaks his own wall down. He just wants this to end. “Whenever I see you, I just want to be with you and keep you. To stay. To live. And it hurts me to know I fucking can’t!”

“Why can’t you?” Lu Han cups his face and lets their gaze meet.

Snapping the last string in Minseok’s heart, the words he’s been fighting tumble out  —the reason behind all of this, why he has been afraid now that the reality has caught up to him. “I’m dying! Okay? I’m dying.” Letting the sobs that he has been holding on for far too long escape him, his body trembling.  He feels like being on  a nightmare merry go round. The words 'I'm dying' plays like a broken record

Apologies fill his ears and kisses make their way through his skin; but instead of making him feel better they just add up to the weight of his chains,  binding him to what he wants to run away from —from everything, from everyone, from Lu Han.

With his frail arms, he tries to push Lu Han away and fails in the process —making him more hopeless and desperate. “Just stop, Lu Han. Just stop…”

-

Minseok watches as Lu Han takes the tray from the hospital staff in the doorway. Lately, he has been asking for help from anyone that attends to him other than Lu Han, but the hybrid takes every opportunity to attend to him.

“Hyung, could you help me up?” Yixing is immediately at his side adjusting the bed and the pillows behind his head. On the other hand, Lu Han is already holding up the spoon, all ready to feed him.  “You could put it down. I’ll do it.” He says.

Lu Han doesn’t seem to listen, though. He grips the food bowl tighter and smiles at Minseok. “I’ll help--”

“I said I’ll do it!” Minseok doesn’t even realize the blow of his voice until Lu Han’s ears start twitching again and Yixing is tapping him on the shoulder.

Minseok doesn’t miss the apologetic look his brother gives to Lu Han and he knows how the hybrid is sensitive to shouting. “I’m sorry. But I’ll do it.” He says.

-

Sometimes, you just can’t make someone fall for you… other times, you will fall no matter how much you’ve tried to think things through and hold your feelings back. Simply, love is that irrational.

Minseok is never one for happy endings and fairy tales. He does not believe in soulmates and love at first sight; but somehow, he is beginning to believe that if you’re lucky enough at some point in your life, you will meet someone who might just be the right one.

“I love you.” Lu Han says. He’s scratching one of his ears amidst his golden locks again, his tail swinging back and forth —the little quirks that Minseok have noticed through the stretch of time that he has known Lu Han.

Minseok might have been lucky, although he does not want to have that privilege —at least not at this certain point of his life where he is not capable anymore, when even his own smiles are degenerating along with his body. Instead of a rapid pounding in his chest, the slight pause of his beating heart is what he feels. The butterflies in his stomach seeking liberty through his throat with four words of reciprocity choking him.

“It wouldn’t work, Lu Han,” Minseok says turning on the bed, his back now facing Lu Han. Minseok tries to ignore his senses as he spreads his arms wide open for the slumber to take him.

He hears a mumbled “Good night, I’ll go get myself some coffee and be back.” before the door shuts softly and the lights lie low.

-

Minseok thinks he has heard the end of it —that the three words of confession have gone back to the place where they should just stay, to a place that both Minseok and Lu Han could look back to but should not.

One of the trees at the far end of the hospital grounds provides shade for the both of them. The sun must be having a good day along with the wind, peppering their kisses on soft, fragile skin. The bed of clovers is a cushion under the weight of the hopeful and the hopeless.

Lu Han wants to rest his head on Minseok’s shoulder; but just when he realizes what he is doing —when the tip of one of his ears touches Minseok's cheek, he is quickly pulling his whole body away from the other.

There is silence, but not the silence that has settled between them since they met, the kind that speaks volumes of understanding and comfort. It’s the kind that will pull on already loose threads and require words demanding freedom.

An inquiry pops the bubble. “Why?” Minseok looks at Lu Han, completely clueless about which unspeakable the other is pertaining to. “Should I be entitled for some reason? What about what happened during the trip?”

Lu Han keeps his eyes to the clouds and his heart on his sleeves —it has always been there, exposed, willing. “Tell me why it would not work.”

“Because I’m not capable. And I know I was selfish for thinking that I could escape everything for a while during the trip. I’m sorry that it has come to this.”

How he badly wants to utter the three words back that night, but the word _love_ bears more weight than Minseok has seen, has experienced. Minseok knows that _love_ is chained to a lot of things, with some that can’t even be put into words. He knows that _love_ is related to happiness. And if you _love_ someone, then you must be ready to make that person happy.

That’s what lovers do, he believes.

“I am not capable of making you happy. I’ll just leave you hanging with a false hope of tomorrows to look forward to and yesterdays to look back on. You’re not supposed to be stuck here with me.” Minseok has more to say, has more reasons on why they should just let this go, but when Lu Han looks at him —so soft, fragile… so hurt. The words burn at the tip of his tongue. His hand reaches out to a world that he badly wants, but too afraid to have.

“That’s just a part of it. You know,” Lu Han can feel his tears are going to betray him any second now, and so he looks down. Salt water rains on clovers, he picks one of them —plucking its leaves one by one. “You have to take chances to figure out the rest."

“There’s no point of knowing the rest.” Minseok lets his head rest on the crook of Lu Han’s neck. He smells blueberries and memories of the first time they ever had such contact —he hates it. He hates how he does not want to let go, how he wants to convince time to take a break for him. He hates how there is nothing he can do but be taken. “I don’t want to leave you with fake hopes— of feelings that you have to deal with when I am gone.”

“I don’t know. Maybe, I don’t really understand love. But I don’t think anybody has.” Lu Han finally leans into the touch. The fondle of his locks cascading on Minseok’s skin makes things right and wrong at the same time, depending on whose luck. “But whatever makes up love, I only know that the whole of it is you. You are the definition of love to me, along with all its synonyms that I probably don’t know. You are love in different shades, in different forms— I’m probably not making sense.”

“And it is not up to you. You don’t get to decide of how I feel for you when you’re still here—” He is letting out his tears and frustrations. “—and when you’re finally not. I love you. I will probably hate not having you anymore when the time comes, but that doesn’t mean I will hate you for giving me these wonderful feelings. No. I love you— and— I— I know I don’t know a lot of things correlated with the word love. But with you, I want to go through knowing what it actually is, no matter how much time we still have and I hope you’ll stop being stubborn and just—”

Lu Han pulls back only to let his words die on Minseok’s lips. Minseok tastes the desperation laced in relief. He kisses Lu Han back like a whisper of unspoken surrender —because no matter what he does, he still wants this. He still wants Lu Han. The kiss might be chaste and unimpressive for time to notice —but somehow, it feels like it has ceased to move, finally celebrating and lamenting.

There is Lu Han beside him, saying ‘I love you’ even though he knows there are a lot of things correlated to that word seated in the middle of personal pronouns, seated between both them. But Minseok knows that _love… love_ is also a two way thing. It has always been.

-

 

_Lu Han helps Minseok back into the bed after he had just finished throwing up.  “Is this okay?” he adjusts the pillow behind Minseok. Minseok nods and gets a mouthed ‘thank you’ in return._

_Cold sweat forms on Minseok’s forehead and he kisses them away. “It’s okay. I got you. I’m here.”_

_“Cold.” Minseok says, it’s at its faintest tone and Lu Han would probably miss it if he hasn’t been paying attention._

_He pulls the blanket up Minseok’s chest and hope it would bring any comfort._

-

_Lu Han can’t say that everything has fallen into its place and that the stars should align in their favor, but he takes what he can get. They make the best of what they still got, even though it is clearly not too much._

_Lu Han loves Minseok through their tangled fingers and in the spectacle of little fireworks whenever their lips touch. It seems like they are in their place again, except that the sands are now linens and the stars are white ceilings, the salt in the air is replaced by antiseptics._

_The reality that they have avoided has now caught up; but there are still fireworks painted in their sky. They don’t mind the linens and the ceilings —even the antiseptics. They keep on writing memories on empty pages, and they will keep doing so for as long as they can._

_-_

_Lu Han helps Minseok sit on the blanket with his back against the tree. He makes no mention of how he’s afraid to hold Minseok sometimes… afraid that he will break any time, but the tiny squeezes Minseok gives to his hand and the ruffling to his ears and hair give him comfort._

_“Do you want to lie down?” Lu Han asks, taking a seat next to Minseok and stretching his legs._

_Minseok nods and lets himself be guided to Lu Han’s lap and curls onto the mat._

_They are almost done with the book that they have started reading about five months ago. Lu Han does not mind repeating pages whenever Minseok does not remember much of what happened from their last reading, when the words don’t fit right through his ears, or when Minseok tells him that he loves listening to his voice. He does not mind as long as he has Minseok here._

_And so Lu Han reads the last pages of the book._

_-_

_Seeing Minseok stare into nothing while mumbling ‘it hurts’ is enough to make Lu Han reduce into a sobbing mess once he steps out of the room_ — _saying that he’ll just get air but it seems like catching his breath is one of the hardest things he has ever done._

_He can’t watch Minseok prickled in needles in hopes to ease the pain that he is experiencing. He can’t watch the reality of Minseok slipping away._

-

 

_The sound of machines ring in Lu Han’s ears, it grows louder and louder each night. He keeps an eye on Minseok whenever he can, only getting enough sleep to make him last through the days. He’ll get what he still can._

_He runs his finger between Minseok’s scrunched eyebrows, sighing when they’ve relaxed. The circles under Minseok’s eyes are so hollow along with his cheeks that used to be fluffy and pink are now all angles and colorless._

-

_They never get to do anything again because Minseok has been asleep most of the time lately. In the few times that he has opened his eyes, Lu Han has always been there, asking if he is okay and receiving nods or weak grumbles under short breaths._

_Lu Han has never let go of Minseok’s hand, although the squeezes grow weaker and weaker each time. He still holds on._

-

_Taken away from his light slumber, fingers trail behind Lu Han’s ear, something that he is very keen to feel. Lu Han stirs in his half consciousness, mumbling something and scratching his eyes with his free hand —the other one holding on to Minseok’s frail one._

_“Hey, everything okay?” Lu Han asks while yawning, and Minseok finds it endearing. Minseok has always found Lu Han endearing —from the tips of his furry ears to his toes. Lu Han is endearing… enchanting… loveable. Lu Han is patient, he has been patient with Minseok all along._

_Minseok gives a weak nod. “Help me up.”_

_Lu Han is suddenly all awake. This can’t be it. He braces himself, trying to stack up bricks and building walls after walls in a binge —attempting to lessen the blow even though he has been preparing for this._

_“Where are we going?” There’s a lump in Lu Han’s throat, like the words of ‘don’t do this’ and ‘I’m not ready’ jumbled in a turmoil in his windpipe —racing to get out of his mouth. He will never be ready for this._

_Minseok musters up a tiny squeeze to his hand, something that he hasn’t felt for too long and might not even feel again. “To the tree. Read to me.”_

_Against the darkness of the night, Lu Han tries to keep himself together as Minseok lies with his head on Lu Han’s lap. He takes his phone out to produce as much lighting as the device could and opens up the book to one of their favorite pages but the tears fall on the pages even before the words find their way out of his lips._

_With his trembling fingers, he closes the book and curls up next to Minseok. He just holds Minseok even though he is falling apart himself. It feels like the worst chest pain he has ever experienced with thousand needles prickling his heart and he just cries the ache away but it only gets worse in each hitch of breath._

_He knows Minseok has been through a lot and he can’t even ask him to stay. No. Lu Han needs to let go. He knows that Minseok holds on to the ropes to keep himself hanging, though his hands are already covered in gash and blood. Minseok has fought and Lu Han needs to free him now from the chains._

_“It’s okay. If you can’t--” and he feels the last strength that Minseok could muster in a tiny squeeze of his hand and he finally lets go of the last string that he has been holding on to. The ripples of sobs come like a tsunami crashing into Lu Han and he is drowning in the influx of emotions that he is feeling._

_“Minseok…” He calls in between his cries, even though he knows that he will never be answered again, no grunts, no hums, no whatever. The thought of it adds another weight to the pain in his chest and it’s just too much but at the same time, he feels there’s an enormous hole in his chest that will never be able to be filled --a piece that will be missing forever. “Minseok…”_

-

He wears Minseok’s favorite cardigan over a white dress shirt and black tie, it still smells like its owner. He doesn’t think of looking nice anymore, although he still combs his hair —but Minseok likes to tousle it with playful fingers anyway.

 _They_ sit under their favorite tree side by side. Lu Han reads the pages of _their_ tears stricken book, the wrinkled pages are now brown with time. His voice cascades though the sound of the afternoon. He reads the book to his heart’s desire —trying to scrunch up words to the gaping holes of his entirety even though he knows they will never be enough.

He reads to Minseok —for Minseok is the soft whispers of the wind and the soft ruffling in Lu Han’s hair. Minseok is the scars that will forever burn on Lu Han’s skin, with their warmth seeping down to the very core of his bones.

Minseok was here, he still is, and he will always be —to Lu Han, at least.


End file.
